Wesak Day!!!

So happy that tomorrow is a public holiday... I should have took 2 days off (Thursday & Friday) so I can get another long weekend but due to my tight deadlines, I am only able to take 1 day instead... Anyway, there are still a lot of holidays that falls on Tuesday or Thursday xD

Recently, due to my work, I can feel that my body is getting weaker... I was feeling unwell (not fever thank God) quite frequently since then and I know it is impacting my health in so many ways... Besides of physically weak, I was facing some mental breakdown for a period of time but I am slightly better now... Not sure how long I can keep this composure because it has been going on and off... I have to remind myself that I am just doing what I am capable of, and don't give any fuck to what other people say as long as I do my job well... This is all I can do for now...

Currently my body is screaming for gym so badly... For some reason, home cardio workout does not gives me the satisfaction at all... I don't feel as motivated as I used to be in doing home cardio workout nowadays... In fact, I am craving for weighted workouts... It feels like my body wants to hold weight rather than doing cardio... Probably I should consider finding some weights so I can do my workouts at home whenever I want... And yes... I hate my condo for shutting down the gym... Fuck you!!!

FUCK I WANT TO GYM SO BADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BL Dramas...

During my long holiday last week, I binge watch a lot of BL dramas... For some reason, whatever happens in the drama will very unlikely to happen in reality... That feeling you can see or feel in the drama is just something that close to impossible in reality... Not sure how to put it but ya, I finally understand why so many people  (both male and female) love watching BL dramas now... To me, apart from romantic scenes, bed scenes with 2 guys (shirtless) is a compulsory element in BL dramas... It does spice up and elevate the drama to a different level... OK I better stop here or else I am getting hornier by thinking of it lol...

Whatever I watched and felt from a BL drama is definitely something what every guy wants to experience... The most recent BL drama I watched is called "Because of You" and one of the main male lead cast is a Korean acting in a Taiwan BL drama...

Too bad I'm not an actor else I can have a chance to act in a BL drama with hot guys like them HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

MCO3.0!!!

Well basically Malaysia is undergoing 3rd Movement Control Order and all gyms are not allowed to operate for a month... Therefore, this is the only time where I will do home workout and it will only consist of cardio workouts since I do not own any weights... As I have mentioned previously, it took me some time to gain weight but it seems like I will be losing it again :')

Why is it so difficult to hit my goal :')

Why MCO WHYYYY!?!?!?

Updates #9342569275

OK just a random update post about myself... Here it goes...

I've been hunger, or perhaps deprived of sex as I did not engage in any of it for almost 2 months (or more)... Therefore, I've been eagerly seeking for one but as usual, no luck in getting any... So all I can say is go with the flow...

Apart from that, I've been very busy with my work... So far so good (not as bad as previously) but I still tend to have the thoughts of quitting this project... The only possible way for me to quit the project now is by resigning which I really can't afford to lose this job... I've been hunted by some job headhunters and they approached me with some job opportunities... However, none of them really interest me and I felt uncomfortable working in financial related stuff for now... I was trying to look for more interesting stuff (in IT field as well) and hopefully, I can find one as soon as possible before my current project starts to kill me :')

As for my physique, it seems like my chest is building up quite well... I can clearly see some improvement on my inner-chest and that actually excites me lol... On top of that, my deltoid is shaping up as well, making my shoulder looks more muscular... What surprises me the most is that I managed to gained my weight back from 65kg to 68kg... Given that my targeted weight is 70kg, it seems like I am getting closer to it more... Overall, my upper body part looks more fit and sadly to say, I still have a long way to go for my lower body (abs and leg)... For my arms, I don't see any improvements yet for now... In the end, I am quite satisfied with how my body is growing right now...

Talking back about this pandemic, Malaysia will be undergoing its 3rd Movement Control Order... The only thing that affects me from this MCO is basically the closure of gym... Luckily my condo's gym is still operating else I will be screaming...

That's all for today... Hopefully my next post will be a pictured post >.<

I don't feel motivated to work at all lolololol...

Turmoil...

Yesterday I talked with my boss and I was supposed to make a decision on whether to continue or quit completely... Frankly speaking, I wanted to quit this project completely but I worry that it will trouble my boss and the group of team that works with me... At this point, I am very unsure of what is right and wrong... Is like, if I continue on, it will just do more harm than good to me... If I quit, it will trouble all the people around me and it could potentially make me loses my job... My boss managed to persuade me the second time by giving me more confidence... Unfortunately, today I had a meeting with project manager I'm working with... It was between us and my boss was not involved... From the discussion we had, it is very clear that they consider me not up to par which I agree as well at some point... I have been pushing myself to learn more about this project... It just never works for me... It is very exhausting that whenever I try to do something, or try to contribute something but it just never seems to show... It feels so demotivating and this has been going on for almost 2 years... Not even once in this project I did something right somehow...

Recently, I question myself a lot about my own capabilities... Am I doing my job right??? Am I being a good son??? Am I even qualified to love someone??? Practically, I failed almost every aspect in terms of my career, my family and my love life... What can I do to be a better person, at least in one of the aspect???

Embracing myself for a turmoil this week...

Who Am I???

Something is bothering me recently... I would say it really bothers me so much that I just do not know if what I'm doing is even right at this point... The question that I need to ask myself is, am I living my life in the right path now???

It was my very first time in my entire career that I felt dissatisfied over a senior of mine, which ended up both of us arguing just because I failed to get something done right... Actually, I can never blame him at all because he did his best to help me on understanding but I do not know why it just never gets into my mind... Unfortunately, what causes the argument to start was he had too high expectation from me because I did very well in the previous task given but very bad in the current task... Therefore, when he said he was totally disappointed with me, it kind of struck my emotion and I just went mad by saying what I did is never right from his point of view all these while... Like I said, he was never wrong because he tried to help me in getting the task done correctly but I somehow neglected/ignore the guide he had given... After that, he lectured me and after realising that it was my fault, I agreed with what he told me in the end and everything was back to normal while I'm trying to get my tasks done ASAP by correcting all the things he told me to do so...

One thing I would like to highlight on why I lost my temper or emotion is because I am very clear that I have COMPLETELY lost my interested on doing this project since last year... I did mention to my boss that I would like to quit this project since the first year because it was never easy and I have totally no interest on this project at all... Sadly to say, I am just an employee and I even talked with my boss about it but he seems to avoid my intention by trying to say comforting stuff to keep me strong and moving forward... Just last Friday, I consulted my boss again and we discuss about this same thing for the second time (I was thrown to another project which is doing the same thing) with him but he tried to comfort me again... I have given some thoughts about it if I am really able to continue on and I came to a conclusion that I really could not withstand it anymore... I just really couldn't... I tried not once, but twice to make myself enjoy working on this project but I am really uncapable of doing it anymore... I feel exhausted just by thinking of it... I get totally demotivated just by thinking of working on every Monday... I feel traumatised by the past experience with this project... I get uncomfortable every second I think about it... Hence, I had made up my decision to talk to my boss again this week that I would like to quit this project once and for all... If he disagree with it, then I will immediately resign because by doing this, it will be fair to him and me as well... It might give my boss a hard time but I really have to do this or else I would never get my tasks done properly at all from that point onwards... I just want myself to do at least something I enjoy... That's it...

Honestly speaking, I really do not know if my decision is right but I know I have to make a final decision or else it will severely impact my mental health... I am trying very hard to get myself in control over this right now... I really wish I can hold on a little bit longer for my boss, for the company and even for the benefit of myself but I know I just couldn't...

I am sorry for being a complete failure in life... Feels like I will never get to live the life I desired after all...

Confession...

Recently, my libido is getting very wild and I am trying very hard to hook up with someone... Eventually, I still have no luck in finding one as those who I am really interested with will never consider me in the first place... My confession is that I promised to meet up with a few guys since January but I have rejected and neglected them for quite some time... I'm not trying to cover up my wrongdoing but I just want to express something...

I understand some of them are eager to meet me since I promised them but it seems that I have disappointed them a lot of times... When I am in my best condition to meet up with them, my work disrupts me and made me cancel my meet up with them... Yes... I do admit that I am very busy with my work as well but just by thinking of my work, it make me loses my mood to have fun drastically... Is not that I do not want to meet up and have fun with them... Just that as time goes by, I tend to be very picky, to an extent where I would only consider to have fun with that person I deemed almost perfect... For some reason, somewhere in my mind tells me that if I were to engage in sexual fun, it has to be the one that we both will enjoy the most... 

Overall, I admit it was my fault and I hope they will forgive me... For the time being, I will try to put myself back together...

I know I am such an asshole T_T

Am I Stupid??? xD

So something funny happened to me last weekend... Once in a while, I will go for a massage especially when my body ache are serious due to workout... Therefore, I went to this massage parlour at Farenheit 88 and got myself a nice massage plus body scrub... Whenever I go for a massage, I can honestly say that I will never give any tips unless the therapist is really good... In this case, I'm not saying the therapist was bad but not really that fantastic but I do think of tipping him a little at least cause last year was really not a good year for them... I decided to pay extra RM30 as tips, which is the change from the amount I paid... To my surprise, I did not realise that I paid an extra RM50 note together... I thought he would tell me that I paid more and give me back the RM50 but instead, he assume that the extra RM50 was my tips to him and he thanked me while quickly keep the RM50 inside his pocket... Frankly speaking, it was so fast that I was like just errrr wudddd huhhhh and I nod and say OK eventually...

Honestly, the differences of RM20 does means a lot to me, but at the same time, it means a lot to him too... Hence, after thinking about it, I have no regrets giving him extra RM20 cause I believe we have been through some hard time... Plus I agreed to give him so I can't blame anyone for that now... I will let it pass for this one time... If it happens again, I will definitely stop him and I need to make sure I pay the right amount from now on xD

If I am richer probably I am more generous in tipping AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!