Interesting Day...

OK this might sounds inappropriate but still, I don't really feel "pantang" at all. So what happened is I was attending a wake for my belated cousin brother. Since I am one of the blood related relative, I will have to undergo those praying session with the monks. And as usual, all we do is sit down with a joss stick on our hand and follow the instruction of the staff. For the very first time, I find this amusing for me because one, it has been a long time since I attended a wake, and two, there is this young boy who was part of the staff where they guide us along the procedures. Nothing much catches my attention in the beginning until I realise something later.

So we were sitting down and listening to the monk chanting. While this young lad, who were supposed to guide us, tend to look at me, not in my direction, but right into my eyes. If it is just once or twice, then probably I will say he was looking at my direction. Being a flirty guy that loves to stare at guys right into their soul through their eyes, I purposely look right into his eyes and see what is his reaction. And to my surprise, he look at me not thrice of four times, but in total, I would say almost 10 times during the whole chanting session within 20 minutes. Frankly speaking, I do kinda feel that he was somehow interested in me (hopefully lol) and at the same time, I do find him extremely adorable when he look away immediately when our eyes meet. I mean, since I purposely did that to him, seeing how his gaze moving back and forth when our eyes meet somehow melts my heart. Guys who are shy when I look right into their eyes are definitely my liking.

To describe him, he is definitely a very young lad, most likely around 19 or maybe just hit his 20. Short hair, small cute eyes, slim fit, same height as me, and most importantly his shy personality. Not sure how he looks like since he was on his mask all the time but something tells me he should be quite good looking as he grew more mature.

I really wanted to start a conversation with him but sadly, he seems to only understand Mandarin which I am totally sucks with. I would love to at least get his name, or better his number just to start off things. Whether he is really interested with me or not, if he willing to give me his number, that is already a good start. Being a banana, communication is the biggest challenge for me right now. Hopefully I will get to see him again tomorrow (and tomorrow is the last day I can see him) and get a chance to at least talk with him once. 

Will I ever get to know him and hang out together? Only God knows :)

To my belated cousin brother, may your soul rest in peace.
As for the rest, Merry Christmas :D

Life Update!!!

OK time for some updates... Let me get to the most important one first...

1. As I have previously mentioned, I did not have sex for like almost half a year (or maybe more) and 2 weeks ago, I had the wildest sex in my entire life... Practically, I hooked up with this guy I met from Tinder and we literally had sex 4 times in a week... Never in my entire life I had that much sex in a week and of course, it felt so great as our chemistry matches so well... Now, my sex deprive has been alleviated... Sex for life!!!

2. Due to working out hard recently, now my entire body feels like collapsing... Even when I had enough sleep, I still feel some heaviness on my body which tells me clearly that I really need a good massage... Wanting to get a good and cheap massage for this month... Hopefully I can find one lolz...

3. Is time for major house cleanup soon... Just thinking of it already exhaust me T_T

4. Bought a glass container from Daiso last 2 weeks ago and once I got it back home, I broke it T___T

5. Did some online shopping on 12.12 and bought another 2 tank tops for my gym... Lolz...

Before I end my post, kindly enjoy this latest song by Utada Hikaru :D

バカになるほど　君に夢中~

Personal Update...

Not sure what really happened but things seems to be changing for me... It would be something I've been waiting and working on for (quite some time) and it seems to be coming to a good end for me... I will put it in a list for ease of reading:

1. My work stress has reduced tremendously due to the fact that I am getting so used and accustomed to it that it does not really bothers me anymore... Of course there are still so difficult tasks ahead, but I just somehow gone through it without any issues like I used to have... This is definitely something good for me as I have one less thing to stress about in my life... And on top of that, my boss is telling me that I will be getting my bonus next year where he will announce by end of December... I just hope I am getting the bonus that I deserved for the pass 2 years of nightmare...

2. My body goal seems to be progressing very well... After MCO3.0 ended and gyms are allowed to opened, the first few weeks result was terrible for me even when I tried to control my diet and workout hard... I almost gave up until I got my MyProtein stuff and it somehow motivates me back and getting me back on track... I just bought the usual protein powder and this time, something new which is EAA (Essential Amino Acid)... Never do I expect the effect of EAA whereby I am able to push throughout my entire workout with heavy loads without feeling tired... Usually, my arms will starts to feel tired after a few sets but while consuming this during workout (as an intra-workout supplement), it motivates me to continue working out even more... I'm pretty sure I will include EAA in my list from now on...

3. I have PLENTY OF STUFF to buy this month... Like a lot... So many that I need to do some financing so I still able to save some money... It has been a year since I bought anything for my house and I thought that this would be a good time to "upgrade" my house a little... Still thinking of what to get (but there are few things in my list) due to the constraint budget... Guess I will be going through some dilemma shit soon AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh yes... I need to get a new set of workout attires as well T_T

Why do I feel so busy nowadays lol...

Deprived Of...

So... There were a lot of things going on since October and it seems like there are new things bothering me in this month of November... It all started with this guy which I know of from a crush of mine (a girl) and probably he will never know who I am... A few days ago, I found out that he was gay and he had a partner... The reason why I know him is because he hang out regularly with my crush during our university time and I found him very attractively hot... But since I never doubt that he is gay, I really never bother knowing him... Time fast forward by almost 9 years and here I am, just knowing that he is gay lolz...

Then lately, I was watching some dramas and videos of couples (both straight and gay) and it gives me a funny feeling... As if I was in their shoes, it makes my heart flutter and I just could not lie about it... After awhile, I realise that I was deprived of something, which is love... I miss those intimate moments I used to had with the other half whenever a scene of similar things occurs in the drama or video... Light kissing, cuddles, or anything that contains physical contact makes me feel calm and comforting... Especially during rainy days, imagine the warmness of your partner's body lingers around... It is something I love for sure...

Able to hug my partner from behind, and lightly kiss him on his face or snuggle him right next to me, it gives me a sense of satisfaction... I wanted to have this feeling for a very long time but it never really hits me that hard until recently... I'm not sure how to explain why but I strongly believe that it was partially due to my emotional swings... I've been in this emotional state for quite some times whereby I kept listening to sentimental songs to fill my void... Not sure if this is a good or bad thing but it does soothe my emotion...

Now... On the happy note, I was so surprised that my protein stuff arrived a day earlier (it was estimated to arrived on 18th Nov)... It has been a year since I bought protein stuff because once I start consuming it, I will push myself harder in the gym so that the protein stuff I bought will not goes to waste xD

Therefore, for the next 3 months, I will see how much I can grow or improved :P

6 days a week of gym sounds like a plan to me now lolz...

1st November 2020!!!

Almost forgot that last year first of November was the first day I moved in to my new house... I know this is a little bit late to post but still, it marks my first anniversary with my new house and I am genuinely happy with it... I've changed my lifestyle since I live alone and it does mean a lot to me... And the freedom that I not used to have no longer an issue for me now...

The one thing that I enjoyed the most while living alone is sleeping naked lolz...

And oh yes, Happy Deepavali~~~

Updates...

Things were progressing quite well between me and him... After we matched in Tinder, I decided to bring our conversation to Whatsapp... Among all the guys I met in Tinder, I would say he is the very first one that willing to share photos without me asking, which gives me a sense of affirmation that he had interest on me but I will not confirm that until I asked him myself... Based on our conversation so far, I still barely get enough information about what he was interested about me but hopefully, he will reveal it himself rather than having me asking... Before I'm going to ask him directly, I am planning to meet him up for a dinner this week so that I can see if he is comfortable with me or not xD

I think I will be a little nervous on meeting him up after such a long time... There are so many questions I wanted to ask and I don't even know if I have any guts to do so...  And I can't believe that it has been a long time since I have insomnia... Usually I will have insomnia when I fall in love lolz...

All I hope for now is he don't find me annoying or have any negative impression towards me... I tried not to message him too regularly although I really wanted to... Why am I like this??? :')

Hoping for something good to happen this week...

What Should I Do???

OK something interesting really happened to me today... I really have no choice but to note this down in my blog cause I am totally confused at this point... So let me sum up the story and get straight to the point (cause I'm too lazy to type very long lol)...

So in my previous project, I was working in this insurance company and I met a few staff member from the insurance company... Since I am a vendor and I am supposed to develope something based on user's requirement, I have met this guy a few times and the work I am in charge of that time is practically relates to him (he was the person in charge)... Frankly speaking, the first time I see him during our discussion, he did catch my attention a bit... Tall, good looking, manly, above average fit, and have quite a lovely smile... But based on his attitude, I am pretty sure he is straight and eventually, all I can do is admire him as a straight colleague... But due to our nature of jobs, we barely have chances to meet up for discussion... Therefore, I knew in my mind that there is no way I could like even befriend him or something... What I can see is we are just purely colleague and all we can talk about is work related stuff... Although sometimes we did crack some jokes with each other but that was like only once... I could say at certain point, I just feel he is too straight to be even interested with someone like me... Nothing to be sad about since I respect him as a straight guy...

So I was browsing Tinder few days ago... Out of the blue, I saw his profile appearing for the first time in my life... I mean, what are the chances a straight good looking guy will be using Tinder lolz... For a moment, I thought that it would be really really weird if I swipe right on him and he swipe back since I am still expecting him to be straight... Is like, what are the chances that a straight guy would view other guy profiles (Tinder allows you to filter man or woman or both in the setting)??? Therefore, without hesitation and without hope, I just swipe him right for the sake of swiping and continue to browse...

As usual, I never expect anyone to match me in Tinder... So I just opened my app like a few hours ago and a notification appears... I was wondering who could it be since I never get a match for like a very long time... The moment I opened the chat, it was him... For a moment, I froze for no apparent reason and came back to my senses... I am quite surprised yet at the same time, confused... Until now, I am still curious of what is happening to me... Here are some of the questions that I've been asking myself for the past few hours:

1. If he is straight, why would he be able to see my profile and swipe me? Does that mean his setting is set to view both?
2. When I swipe him that time, it was not an instant match... So does that mean he only saw my profile after I swiped him???
3. If assuming he is PLU, did he really have an interest on me since he saw my profile and swiped me? Or maybe he just want to be friendly with me?
4. Assuming he is straight and paid for the app to see who swiped him, why would he still bother to swipe me?

Honestly, I can barely tell if he have any interest on me while I was working together with him... I don't even see a single hint of it... He is too straight to swipe me right at this point... I am still shocked to see him swiped me as I really do not know if he swipe me because he have feelings for me or he just swipe me as a friend...

Right now I am both excited and worry to know the answer... Cause my feelings for him was all gone since I left the project he worked in and now, a spark has been ignited out of a sudden... I really do not know what I am supposed to do as I am still lost of words for what is happening...

Hooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww?????? What should I doooooooo??????????

Am I OK???

Recently, something weird is going on with me... I'm not sure if this is some sort of mental health or what but I am pretty sure it is not something good.. Here are some of the occasions that makes me feel uneasy about myself...

I was never a hot tempered guy unless that thing really pisses me off a lot... So I was driving back to my home one night, and a car broke down on the left lane... I was driving on the left lane and suddenly have to stop completely due to the broke down car... I mean it wasn't a big deal since is not like they intentionally block the lane... Therefore, I have no choice but to move on to the right lane and this is where I felt mad... When I was driving on left lane, there were no car on the right lane at all and once I get close to the broke down car and tried to change my lane, there were like a long stretch of cars zooming over the right lane for like 1 whole full minute... I was questioning myself, why did this only happens when I want to change lane? Why can't it happens before or after? Why?

Another thing that somehow triggers me is when I left my house and realise that I forgotten to take my phone and I have to go back to my house to take it. I mean it sounds like a minor stuff but to me, somewhere in my brain, I started to have the thoughts of things does not goes my way. For some reason, I felt that everything that happens in my life should only goes smoothly in my point of view. It just ticks me off whenever something does not goes my way. Another example would be when I try to pour some boiled water into my bottle and accidentally splash out some water and caused a slight mess, it just ticks me off for no apparent reason. Basically, whatever minor stuff that occurs to me and does not meet my expectation will just pisses me off awhile.

The fact that I can start working out as the gyms are allowed to open, I felt slight relief in a sense that I can avoid all these minor stuff from affecting me. I've been trying to be more active by swimming and working out so that I can avoid thinking too much. To be frank, I think my mental health was slightly affected from my job stress. Recently, I have been working overtime during weekdays, and even have to work on weekend sometimes since September. I still enjoy working in this company just that I don't really enjoy working on the current project. Because of this, it has constantly urged me to find and change to a new job, which is not that easy as well.

As of today, I would say I am a little bit more OK but still need some time to recuperate, especially on my job stress and hopefully, I will have a fresher and brighter mindset by then.

It is OK to be not OK as long as you know how to take good care of yourself first.