That Feeling...

It hits me differently this time. From all the love I had previously, this love felt so different to me. Not sure how to explain it but perhaps, a short story of how we met would be good enough to express the differences.

So we met each other from Tinder and as usual, we just matched and I initiated by greeting. Of course, he replied my message and I replied back with the usual "How is your day?". In his Tinder profile, he did include his IG handle and because I find him quite cute, I decided to try my luck by messaging him at IG in hope that he will give me back some quick responds. Luckily, he responded and we managed to keep in touch on Tuesday. For both Tuesday and Wednesday, we chatted quite a lot and we managed to know each other a little bit more. Initially, I have no intention to meet him cause first thing, he is from Vietnam (LDR concern) and secondly, how would someone as young as him interested with someone who is 11 years older for God sake. It just does not make sense if you ask me. However, something tells me that even if he have no interest on me, at least able to see him in person would be satisfying for me. Therefore, I decided to arrange a meet up with him.

His last day in KL was on Friday morning and I was thinking if I should meet him on Wednesday night since we had spent the entire Tuesday just to chat. Unfortunately, he went to visit Malacca on Wednesday and he decided to stay 1 night there and only will come back on Thursday. Provided that he will be flying back to Vietnam on Friday morning, this only left me with Thursday night to meet him up. And I told myself that probably this would be the first time and last time of me meeting up with him, I might as well just be the driver for the night for him by picking him up from the bus terminal, then to his hotel to check in, have a dinner together and call it a day for us. It was supposed to be this simple. And because he was travelling with another friend, I just hope he and his friend enjoy the trip with me.

As he reached the bus terminal, I guided him on how to look for me. But given that I park my car far away from where they could be at, I decided to go up and wait for them at the bridge. Because he posted something on his IG stories and I recognise what shirt he was wearing that day, I immediately recognise him as he walk towards the bridge. My first impression: Tall, Meaty, Neat. To me, neatness is always a must for me and he definitely have that quality. Since he is still wearing his mask, I do not manage to see his face real close at all. Then, I turn my attention to his friend and ask for his friend's name as well so that he was not left out. We were having some casual chats as usual all the way to my car. As we reached to my car, I help them to put their luggages at the back and set my GPS to their hotel. Because I never drove to and from the bus terminal in my entire life, I was solely focusing on my driving (and quite nervous that I even forgotten to turn on the car light) and barely able to respond much to him while I am driving. I felt bad in a way and I felt more comfortable the moment I dropped them down for check in at their hotel. While they were checking in, I try to find something to eat. You know, since I am already being their driver, might as be their tour guide for the night although I never do this to anyone in my entire life. I'm pretty sure I did badly and boring lol. Then we depart from the hotel and to the restaurant that I recommended.

Since this is their first time trying wantan mee, I recommend them the dry version as soup taste a little bit bland. His friend, which never managed to enjoy any food in KL since they arrive on Monday, finishes his plate of noodle from that restaurant. Even he says that the food was good which makes me feel glad that I did not recommend them the wrong food. After filling our tummy, we went back to our car and I was thinking that this would be a goodbye for us. On a side note, as I was too busy driving to their hotel, I never manage to take a good look on his face until we have our dinner at the restaurant. Two words for me: 'Fucking Cute' or 'My Type' is all I can say about him.

Given that he is an extrovert, he doesn't sleep early and have the tendency to go out till late night. While inside the car, thinking of fetching them back to their hotel, he suddenly ask me to suggest some place to go. Frankly speaking, I never expect this and given that I live in KL for so long, I never go out at night for a walk like this. Around that time, I will be playing games at my home or laying on my comfy bed. Being a complete introvert myself, I would be too lazy to go anywhere at that time (10pm) but being with him, I never feel tired at all. I was quite surprised myself that I was still feeling energetic late that night. We sat inside the car for like 10 minutes while I try to think where to go. It is definitely a challenge for me that night and I decided to bring them for a walk at Lalaport instead.

We walked and talked around and outside of Lalaport, then all the way to Times Square, Lot 10 and finally somewhere around Bukit Bintang. After all the walking, we went to buy some snacks and drinks, find a place to sit and enjoy the rest of the night together. To me, it wasn't boring because I get to spend my last night with him and around 12am, we decided to leave and we walk back from Bukit Bintang all the way to my car.

Here are some things that we did or he said that made me fall for him more (not in chronological order):

1. We have quite a few physical contact, such as when we walk side by side, our arms will be touching each other frequently. And there was once where we were walking through a narrow passage, he put his hand on my shoulder while I was leading. Then there are times where I purposely put my hands on his shoulder and push him to walk
2. There was once he was sweating so much, but I could not help myself by touching his sweaty arms and looking at his glistening forehead. Frankly speaking, if I have napkins with me, I would have wipe off some sweats off him. Nevertheless, he looks hotter when he is sweating lol
3. When we were sitting and having our drinks, he accidentally spilled some water onto his pants, so right at his crotch and he was going to wipe it off while his phone hanging on the edge of his thigh. I actually did not know he wanted to wipe his pants as I only notice his phone was at the verge of falling down so I reach my hands out to hold onto his phone but he mistaken that I was trying to wipe his pants LOLOLOLOLOL
4. We got 3 different drinks and he wanted to try mine, so we ended up having indirect kiss through the straws lol
5. He complimented me that I look much bigger in person than in picture as he prefer bear and muscular guys. He even complimented me that I look good in button up shirt

Good thing always come to an end. I stopped by the road side near his hotel and this is the final goodbye for both us. I really enjoy the night and before he leave the car, I decided to take some pictures together. Unfortunately, my phone is not good with night photography and the pictures turns out bad but it is better than nothing. After pictures were taken, he and his friend left the car. As he was going to close the door of my car, he open it back and lean his face closer to me while asking me to come closer to him. To my surprise, which I never expect at all, he gave me a kiss on my face and he closes the door. I was quite speechless and at the same time, my heart did flutter a little when he did that out of the blue cause I thought he was not so interested with me at all. Hence, that was the last time I got to see his face.

Since that night, we are still keeping in touch until today and we do share our daily life. He even told me that he wanted to kiss me on the lips instead of my cheek that night but he somehow worries that his friend might see it HAHAHAHA

Ok. Based on this story, it somehow tells how different is it from the love I had previously. It feels like from a hopeless love slowly blooms into a fruitful one. Even though our feelings toward each other is still strong for now, but I can't say exactly that we are a couple until the day I visit him at Vietnam, and officially ask him to be my boyfriend. Looking forward to my Vietnam trip now :D

But first, I better renew my fucking passport ASAP lolz...

New Songs!!!

OK time to indulge myself with some good music again... Not sure why do I want to post it on this blog HAHAHAHA xD

Whenever TWICE releases their Japanese songs, it always feel so different than their Korean songs, in a good way I have to say... It feels more Japanesey in a sense which I like...

Well... Today is Friday... Can't wait for the weekend :)

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~~~

Feeling Moody Again...

Sometimes, I ask myself why would I compare my body with others when quite a number of people complimented on my current body progress... My problem is, what the other see is not exactly what they saw because it is my own body and I know how it looks way much more clearer and better than them... Whenever someone compliments me and I replied them it was just OK, I wasn't really acting humble at all to be frank... Is not like I wanted to compare myself but it just very difficult not to, especially when it makes sense...

One example is, I tend to see guys who are like in his early 20s and already have a great body, probably with 15% body fat and below... Although I started working out around late 20s, I could not help but keep thinking why I did not start it earlier??? If I did, will my body looks much better now??? Getting a good shape is definitely not an easy task as I am trying to progress now but why does it look so easy for those guys who did it in their early 20s??? Will I, at this age, able to achieve the same body goal like they are having in their early 20s??? Is it even possible or I should really hire a personal trainer for this???

Apart from my body, another thing that is really disturbing me is my penis size... I used to be very confident with it until I realise all the partners I met have so far have way much bigger size than mine... It just somehow leaves an impact to me that I may not be able to satisfy all of them... And the saddest thing is, yes I can tell that they are not satisfied at all even though they say it was OK and it was fine... I felt like things have changed a lot for me in terms of sexual fun... Whenever I tried to hook up, it just turns out not to be as good as it used to be and worst is maybe my partner were not enjoying it all...

I wish I could really turn back time so I can do things I really enjoy when I was younger... I guess starting gym in the early age wasn't a bad thing at all...

Will I be ever satisfied with what I have achieved or have until now???

Uneasy Feeling...

I've been having this uneasy feeling for quite some time and it just keeps bugging me everyday... Is hard to explain how it feels like because for a moment, it pulls me into a void and the next moment, it just goes away... It's like when the feelings hit me, I just don't feel like do or think of anything... I just want everything to feel blank and empty, being absorbed into a void... My mind is telling me not to think of anything during that period... I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing... I am not even sure if this is related with depression at this point... I tend to loses all my energy and focus when that happens... It confuses me, which also making me worry about my own mental health as well... Or perhaps, I just have too much thoughts in my mind right now that I do not want to think about it at all cause it exhaust me by thinking of it...

I can feel that this will give me further mental exhaustion if it continues on... I really need to do something about it...

Should I really seek for a psychologist???

Dealing With Depression...

Just for a quick update. It has been a month since I am trying to battle my depression and as of now, things are getting slightly better for me. I am able to enjoy my usual routine such as going back to gym more frequently and have better appetites. Since I had raised my concern to my current boss, my workload was reduced by more than half and generally I am just focusing on one thing. It was still a tough one but if compared to my other colleagues, their tasks are much more exhausting compared to mine.

I wanted to help them as much as I can but with my current condition, I knew I can't even if I volunteered. In fact, I might just make things worst. Hence, I rather be one giving bad impression instead of making the whole team look bad. I admit that I am being selfish right now but other than this, I really do not know what to do.

Honestly, all I ever wish was to have a long break before I start my new job. I just want to enjoy a long break but I don't think I will have that luxury. Even better if I get to travel for vacations. I just want to have some peace for my mind.

Can I find my peace till the day I start my new job???

Another Decision Made...

Last Saturday was our 3 months anniversary and it is also our last day being a couple...  The time we spent together means a lot to me and I really enjoy it... Sadly, things has changed for me when you start living with me for 2 weeks but this is definitely due to my incapabilities to cope with your lifestyle. Here are a few reasons of my break up:

1. The main reason, your preferences on working at Sarawak or Sabah instead of KL. I understand you have your freedom on choose where to work in near future and I will always support you even if you want to work overseas. However, long distance relationship is something I can no longer accept and I will avoid it at all cost. I do not want to love someone that I can't express my affections physically constantly, or at least once a week.

2. I understand you have a lot of things in your mind but your cleanliness is my biggest challenge. Since that day when I went to your house and clean up some mess, I told you that there was a dead pest under the end table. Then within the next few weeks, when I visit your house twice, you did not dispose the dead pest at all. Imagine in the future when we live together, what could have happen provided that I am someone who cares about cleanliness so much (not to the extend of being OCD I guess). Eventually, I was glad that you were willing to help me clean my house during your stay.

3. Our sleeping habits. I never love sleeping in air conditioned room while you are the opposite of me. There was one day where the room was too cold that I could not sleep at all due to uncomfortableness and I ended up sleep at my couch that night. And the funny thing is, I slept all the way till the next morning and you did not realise it at all until you woke up. If you ask me why I did not turn off the aircond and switch on the fan instead, I guess I just do not want to disturb you sleep soundly. 

Apart from the aircond, your tendency to sleep all the way in the middle of the bed without realising me sleeping almost at the edge of the bed is another uncomfortable reason. Even during your occasional sleep over at my place, I do not recall how many times I tried pushing you back to your spot. But then, after a few moments, you will repeat the same thing, again and again. Probably because you are too used to sleeping on a big bed alone so it was a little bit difficult for you to adjust when sleeping with someone else.

One more thing is your snoring. Although I am not a light sleeper but I am quite sensitive with noise while sleeping. I am actually still OK with it as I quite used to it but sometimes I really hope that I can get a good night sleep without any noises. Out of all the days we slept together, only 2 days I never hear you snore. Once was when you inhale the anti-snoring stuff (not sure what is the thing called) and another time was just quite natural I guess. However, what turns me off the most at this point is you knew that you snores yet you never take the initiative to inhale that thing whenever you sleep with me. Even during that day you inhale it, I was the one that asking for it. For a moment, I just think that you are not being considerate enough but I can't blame you at all because you are too used to sleeping alone all the time.

Overall, I felt that I am still not good in dealing or expressing myself. I promise that I will be a better person in the future.

It is better to feel the pain now than having it being prolong...

Well Well...

All these time, I knew that I do have depression in and out frequently but it usually never last that long, probably maximum 2 weeks then it goes off... And because I was going through a few treatments since February, I knew it does impact me in some ways as well... Then comes to my job, the reason why I desperately wanted to resign is purely because I knew I can't focus on my work (this project) anymore... What surprise me yesterday was when I tried to look at the list of symptoms of depression... On average, out of 10 symptoms, currently I have 7 symptoms out of it and this is really not a good sign... To name a few symptoms I have mentioned before in my previous posts:

• Heart palpitation. My heart tend to beat very fast when I am idle or sleeping
• Fatigue. Feels tired most of the time and wanted to do nothing but just lie down
• Lack of motivation. I believe this is the main root cause of my depression

The fact that even when I told my boss that I am having this mental health problem yet he reluctant to let me resign burdens me even more therefore I have no choice but to request what I can and can't do at this point with him...

I never tell anyone about my depression apart from my boss and I felt that telling him doesn't really help in easing my depression... Perhaps I should try to consult a professional or should I give myself more time for recovery??? One thing for sure, going to the gym or swimming really helps a lot in reducing my depression...

One quick update: I finally got my 3rd injection for Syphilis... Hopefully I can be fully recovered from this treatment :')

Frankly speaking, there are still a lot of stuff in my mind right now but I will leave it to another post...

Meanwhile...

There are seriously a lot of stuff in my mind right now and I am still trying to digest and sort it out... Once this major decision that I will be making passes, I can foresee myself to start with a new fresh life... While I am still trying to cope with everything that is happening concurrently, I just wanted to share this song for no reason lol...

Ok la this song is really good actually... Been addicted to it since I heard it for the first time... Listening to this song is like a remedy for me right now...

I really could not concentrate on my work right now with all these thoughts in my mind... Help me :')