Something is bothering me recently... I would say it really bothers me so much that I just do not know if what I'm doing is even right at this point... The question that I need to ask myself is, am I living my life in the right path now???
It was my very first time in my entire career that I felt dissatisfied over a senior of mine, which ended up both of us arguing just because I failed to get something done right... Actually, I can never blame him at all because he did his best to help me on understanding but I do not know why it just never gets into my mind... Unfortunately, what causes the argument to start was he had too high expectation from me because I did very well in the previous task given but very bad in the current task... Therefore, when he said he was totally disappointed with me, it kind of struck my emotion and I just went mad by saying what I did is never right from his point of view all these while... Like I said, he was never wrong because he tried to help me in getting the task done correctly but I somehow neglected/ignore the guide he had given... After that, he lectured me and after realising that it was my fault, I agreed with what he told me in the end and everything was back to normal while I'm trying to get my tasks done ASAP by correcting all the things he told me to do so...
One thing I would like to highlight on why I lost my temper or emotion is because I am very clear that I have COMPLETELY lost my interested on doing this project since last year... I did mention to my boss that I would like to quit this project since the first year because it was never easy and I have totally no interest on this project at all... Sadly to say, I am just an employee and I even talked with my boss about it but he seems to avoid my intention by trying to say comforting stuff to keep me strong and moving forward... Just last Friday, I consulted my boss again and we discuss about this same thing for the second time (I was thrown to another project which is doing the same thing) with him but he tried to comfort me again... I have given some thoughts about it if I am really able to continue on and I came to a conclusion that I really could not withstand it anymore... I just really couldn't... I tried not once, but twice to make myself enjoy working on this project but I am really uncapable of doing it anymore... I feel exhausted just by thinking of it... I get totally demotivated just by thinking of working on every Monday... I feel traumatised by the past experience with this project... I get uncomfortable every second I think about it... Hence, I had made up my decision to talk to my boss again this week that I would like to quit this project once and for all... If he disagree with it, then I will immediately resign because by doing this, it will be fair to him and me as well... It might give my boss a hard time but I really have to do this or else I would never get my tasks done properly at all from that point onwards... I just want myself to do at least something I enjoy... That's it...
Honestly speaking, I really do not know if my decision is right but I know I have to make a final decision or else it will severely impact my mental health... I am trying very hard to get myself in control over this right now... I really wish I can hold on a little bit longer for my boss, for the company and even for the benefit of myself but I know I just couldn't...
I am sorry for being a complete failure in life... Feels like I will never get to live the life I desired after all...
