My life is just absolutely tough... I don't feel the fun in my life any more... I can't find the challenge of my life... I have lost interest in finding a better job... I give up in a few houses that I found... There's nothing left worth being motivating for me now... Am I just simply giving up my life??? I know this type of attitude will never bring me forward but there are too many things happened to me which builds up all these demotivating thoughts... I will not use the word depressing any more... I will not feel depressed any more... I must stand on the ground, telling myself that life is not worth feeling depressed... Will I ever live my life happier like this??? I am not expecting good things to happen to me... All I every hope is just achieving something I need to achieve... Or was it because I am too young to think about these??? Am I just being too matured??? Or I am merely still an immature guy???
Just tell me something... Why is living an ordinary life this tough???
Why???
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
KOKIA - Spirits!!!
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
How I Want My Life To Be...
To be frank, I don't mind with the life of working for the sake of surviving... I feel like if I have a house and car loan to pay, I will be more motivated to work... But right now, I can only foresee that all my hard work goes to nothing... Is not because I do not want to give my parents money but if I got a reason not to give, that will somehow make me feel a little bit better...
Is not like I wanna force them to live the hard way, but it is truth that we are not a wealthy family... My thought of living my own life starts to kick in... Am I considered a useless son to my parents now??? Will I really be able to provide some happiness to my parents before they leave this world??? I'm really not sure about this anymore... What am I living for right now and what am I doing right now is right or wrong???
If I really manage to buy the house I want, I swear I will work harder to ensure that my parents is happy even if I need to live the hard way... I just want my parents to be happy... So please, don't crush my hopes and dreams that will motivates me anymore... I am getting tired of this...
Is not like I wanna force them to live the hard way, but it is truth that we are not a wealthy family... My thought of living my own life starts to kick in... Am I considered a useless son to my parents now??? Will I really be able to provide some happiness to my parents before they leave this world??? I'm really not sure about this anymore... What am I living for right now and what am I doing right now is right or wrong???
If I really manage to buy the house I want, I swear I will work harder to ensure that my parents is happy even if I need to live the hard way... I just want my parents to be happy... So please, don't crush my hopes and dreams that will motivates me anymore... I am getting tired of this...
Sunday, May 3, 2015
On The Edge Of Depression...
When I found out that I can even blog via my mobile, indeed I feel a little bit relieved... At least I don't need to type out my feelings and things in front of other people... Perhaps secret should be remained as secret... Nevertheless, this depression will never shakes off easily until I found a better paid job or buy the house I've been looking into... I just don't know how to handle depression... I may be able to handle stress but definitely not depression... Is there even something I can do to keep myself not thinking about this???
The fact that I can see most of my friends in Facebook are posting pictures of them vacation (or for working purposes) at nice places, or bought their houses... Vacations aside, that type of lifetime goal/achievement that I've been trying to achieve (yes is the buying house part) just never comes to me...
Right now I feel like I'm living in a world surrounded with depressing moment... Is not because I am desperately wanted to buy a house... Even if I tried not to think about buying house, I just feel like my current pay will not be able to sustain my expenses... So is like I should get a new job first then only consider buying a house or buy first??? If I buy it now, will my current salary about to obtain the loan??? If I buy after getting a better job, will I ever find an affordable house??? I'm totally lost in this...
So far what I notice is even I tried to go for a few interviews, none of the company would like to hire me... I tried to browse for the affordable house, is either they are sold or the price displayed does not represent the right price... What am I supposed to do seriously???
How do I keep myself positive when there are just things meant to keep you depressed all the time???
The fact that I can see most of my friends in Facebook are posting pictures of them vacation (or for working purposes) at nice places, or bought their houses... Vacations aside, that type of lifetime goal/achievement that I've been trying to achieve (yes is the buying house part) just never comes to me...
Right now I feel like I'm living in a world surrounded with depressing moment... Is not because I am desperately wanted to buy a house... Even if I tried not to think about buying house, I just feel like my current pay will not be able to sustain my expenses... So is like I should get a new job first then only consider buying a house or buy first??? If I buy it now, will my current salary about to obtain the loan??? If I buy after getting a better job, will I ever find an affordable house??? I'm totally lost in this...
So far what I notice is even I tried to go for a few interviews, none of the company would like to hire me... I tried to browse for the affordable house, is either they are sold or the price displayed does not represent the right price... What am I supposed to do seriously???
How do I keep myself positive when there are just things meant to keep you depressed all the time???
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Long Weekend...
Really love this type of long holiday even if it is just staying at home doing nothing... Getting tired of facing the reality in my life... I'm not talking about work stress or other thing that's giving me stress... In fact, is about how I am not appreciate for what I have been doing... You know how much it hurts when someone tells you indirectly that you are not helpful and you are just causing yourself some trouble while that person telling you that never consider about what state (as a team) that we are currently in now? I mean come on... You get paid more than me... You are higher position than me (that's how it is currently works :D)... You need more help since you need to do more things??? So you assume that I don't have anything to do and I can clean up all the piles of things you made even without asking me if I can finish it on time? I am so sorry that I disappointed you in this way...
Another saddest moment that I would like to share this time: Have your superior ever ask you "Is this off day a must for you?" and the next thing is your superior tells you that he will be on leave for 2 DAYS (a day more than what I took) and asked me if I can work on the weekends so I could finish up my things while your superior is enjoying somewhere? Seriously??? Fuck you I don't buy this type of fairness at all... Should I failed to finish up my things on time, blame yourself for not discussing with me properly AND perhaps, try learning to manage how much things you are capable in handling before moving on to the next one.
I don't mind if things were thrown at me constantly as I personally think that I could handle it slowly. However, if you start complaining that I'm doing it slow or not as efficient as what you thought of, then I will have these 4 words for you: Sorry And Fuck You!
To be honest there are over a million things that I am very dissatisfied with as in my whining will turns out to be writing a novel. But oh well... Just touch on the most annoying part is good enough to relieve some anger within me...
Back to looking for my house... Found one that is really lovely and not far from where it seems... Even I do not have luck or chance to change my job, at least having a choice to buy a cheap house will not make me any depressed... Hehe :D
Another saddest moment that I would like to share this time: Have your superior ever ask you "Is this off day a must for you?" and the next thing is your superior tells you that he will be on leave for 2 DAYS (a day more than what I took) and asked me if I can work on the weekends so I could finish up my things while your superior is enjoying somewhere? Seriously??? Fuck you I don't buy this type of fairness at all... Should I failed to finish up my things on time, blame yourself for not discussing with me properly AND perhaps, try learning to manage how much things you are capable in handling before moving on to the next one.
I don't mind if things were thrown at me constantly as I personally think that I could handle it slowly. However, if you start complaining that I'm doing it slow or not as efficient as what you thought of, then I will have these 4 words for you: Sorry And Fuck You!
To be honest there are over a million things that I am very dissatisfied with as in my whining will turns out to be writing a novel. But oh well... Just touch on the most annoying part is good enough to relieve some anger within me...
Back to looking for my house... Found one that is really lovely and not far from where it seems... Even I do not have luck or chance to change my job, at least having a choice to buy a cheap house will not make me any depressed... Hehe :D
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