Interesting Day...

OK this might sounds inappropriate but still, I don't really feel "pantang" at all. So what happened is I was attending a wake for my belated cousin brother. Since I am one of the blood related relative, I will have to undergo those praying session with the monks. And as usual, all we do is sit down with a joss stick on our hand and follow the instruction of the staff. For the very first time, I find this amusing for me because one, it has been a long time since I attended a wake, and two, there is this young boy who was part of the staff where they guide us along the procedures. Nothing much catches my attention in the beginning until I realise something later.

So we were sitting down and listening to the monk chanting. While this young lad, who were supposed to guide us, tend to look at me, not in my direction, but right into my eyes. If it is just once or twice, then probably I will say he was looking at my direction. Being a flirty guy that loves to stare at guys right into their soul through their eyes, I purposely look right into his eyes and see what is his reaction. And to my surprise, he look at me not thrice of four times, but in total, I would say almost 10 times during the whole chanting session within 20 minutes. Frankly speaking, I do kinda feel that he was somehow interested in me (hopefully lol) and at the same time, I do find him extremely adorable when he look away immediately when our eyes meet. I mean, since I purposely did that to him, seeing how his gaze moving back and forth when our eyes meet somehow melts my heart. Guys who are shy when I look right into their eyes are definitely my liking.

To describe him, he is definitely a very young lad, most likely around 19 or maybe just hit his 20. Short hair, small cute eyes, slim fit, same height as me, and most importantly his shy personality. Not sure how he looks like since he was on his mask all the time but something tells me he should be quite good looking as he grew more mature.

I really wanted to start a conversation with him but sadly, he seems to only understand Mandarin which I am totally sucks with. I would love to at least get his name, or better his number just to start off things. Whether he is really interested with me or not, if he willing to give me his number, that is already a good start. Being a banana, communication is the biggest challenge for me right now. Hopefully I will get to see him again tomorrow (and tomorrow is the last day I can see him) and get a chance to at least talk with him once. 

Will I ever get to know him and hang out together? Only God knows :)

To my belated cousin brother, may your soul rest in peace.
As for the rest, Merry Christmas :D

Life Update!!!

OK time for some updates... Let me get to the most important one first...

1. As I have previously mentioned, I did not have sex for like almost half a year (or maybe more) and 2 weeks ago, I had the wildest sex in my entire life... Practically, I hooked up with this guy I met from Tinder and we literally had sex 4 times in a week... Never in my entire life I had that much sex in a week and of course, it felt so great as our chemistry matches so well... Now, my sex deprive has been alleviated... Sex for life!!!

2. Due to working out hard recently, now my entire body feels like collapsing... Even when I had enough sleep, I still feel some heaviness on my body which tells me clearly that I really need a good massage... Wanting to get a good and cheap massage for this month... Hopefully I can find one lolz...

3. Is time for major house cleanup soon... Just thinking of it already exhaust me T_T

4. Bought a glass container from Daiso last 2 weeks ago and once I got it back home, I broke it T___T

5. Did some online shopping on 12.12 and bought another 2 tank tops for my gym... Lolz...

Before I end my post, kindly enjoy this latest song by Utada Hikaru :D

バカになるほど　君に夢中~

Personal Update...

Not sure what really happened but things seems to be changing for me... It would be something I've been waiting and working on for (quite some time) and it seems to be coming to a good end for me... I will put it in a list for ease of reading:

1. My work stress has reduced tremendously due to the fact that I am getting so used and accustomed to it that it does not really bothers me anymore... Of course there are still so difficult tasks ahead, but I just somehow gone through it without any issues like I used to have... This is definitely something good for me as I have one less thing to stress about in my life... And on top of that, my boss is telling me that I will be getting my bonus next year where he will announce by end of December... I just hope I am getting the bonus that I deserved for the pass 2 years of nightmare...

2. My body goal seems to be progressing very well... After MCO3.0 ended and gyms are allowed to opened, the first few weeks result was terrible for me even when I tried to control my diet and workout hard... I almost gave up until I got my MyProtein stuff and it somehow motivates me back and getting me back on track... I just bought the usual protein powder and this time, something new which is EAA (Essential Amino Acid)... Never do I expect the effect of EAA whereby I am able to push throughout my entire workout with heavy loads without feeling tired... Usually, my arms will starts to feel tired after a few sets but while consuming this during workout (as an intra-workout supplement), it motivates me to continue working out even more... I'm pretty sure I will include EAA in my list from now on...

3. I have PLENTY OF STUFF to buy this month... Like a lot... So many that I need to do some financing so I still able to save some money... It has been a year since I bought anything for my house and I thought that this would be a good time to "upgrade" my house a little... Still thinking of what to get (but there are few things in my list) due to the constraint budget... Guess I will be going through some dilemma shit soon AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh yes... I need to get a new set of workout attires as well T_T

Why do I feel so busy nowadays lol...

Deprived Of...

So... There were a lot of things going on since October and it seems like there are new things bothering me in this month of November... It all started with this guy which I know of from a crush of mine (a girl) and probably he will never know who I am... A few days ago, I found out that he was gay and he had a partner... The reason why I know him is because he hang out regularly with my crush during our university time and I found him very attractively hot... But since I never doubt that he is gay, I really never bother knowing him... Time fast forward by almost 9 years and here I am, just knowing that he is gay lolz...

Then lately, I was watching some dramas and videos of couples (both straight and gay) and it gives me a funny feeling... As if I was in their shoes, it makes my heart flutter and I just could not lie about it... After awhile, I realise that I was deprived of something, which is love... I miss those intimate moments I used to had with the other half whenever a scene of similar things occurs in the drama or video... Light kissing, cuddles, or anything that contains physical contact makes me feel calm and comforting... Especially during rainy days, imagine the warmness of your partner's body lingers around... It is something I love for sure...

Able to hug my partner from behind, and lightly kiss him on his face or snuggle him right next to me, it gives me a sense of satisfaction... I wanted to have this feeling for a very long time but it never really hits me that hard until recently... I'm not sure how to explain why but I strongly believe that it was partially due to my emotional swings... I've been in this emotional state for quite some times whereby I kept listening to sentimental songs to fill my void... Not sure if this is a good or bad thing but it does soothe my emotion...

Now... On the happy note, I was so surprised that my protein stuff arrived a day earlier (it was estimated to arrived on 18th Nov)... It has been a year since I bought protein stuff because once I start consuming it, I will push myself harder in the gym so that the protein stuff I bought will not goes to waste xD

Therefore, for the next 3 months, I will see how much I can grow or improved :P

6 days a week of gym sounds like a plan to me now lolz...

1st November 2020!!!

Almost forgot that last year first of November was the first day I moved in to my new house... I know this is a little bit late to post but still, it marks my first anniversary with my new house and I am genuinely happy with it... I've changed my lifestyle since I live alone and it does mean a lot to me... And the freedom that I not used to have no longer an issue for me now...

The one thing that I enjoyed the most while living alone is sleeping naked lolz...

And oh yes, Happy Deepavali~~~

Updates...

Things were progressing quite well between me and him... After we matched in Tinder, I decided to bring our conversation to Whatsapp... Among all the guys I met in Tinder, I would say he is the very first one that willing to share photos without me asking, which gives me a sense of affirmation that he had interest on me but I will not confirm that until I asked him myself... Based on our conversation so far, I still barely get enough information about what he was interested about me but hopefully, he will reveal it himself rather than having me asking... Before I'm going to ask him directly, I am planning to meet him up for a dinner this week so that I can see if he is comfortable with me or not xD

I think I will be a little nervous on meeting him up after such a long time... There are so many questions I wanted to ask and I don't even know if I have any guts to do so...  And I can't believe that it has been a long time since I have insomnia... Usually I will have insomnia when I fall in love lolz...

All I hope for now is he don't find me annoying or have any negative impression towards me... I tried not to message him too regularly although I really wanted to... Why am I like this??? :')

Hoping for something good to happen this week...

What Should I Do???

OK something interesting really happened to me today... I really have no choice but to note this down in my blog cause I am totally confused at this point... So let me sum up the story and get straight to the point (cause I'm too lazy to type very long lol)...

So in my previous project, I was working in this insurance company and I met a few staff member from the insurance company... Since I am a vendor and I am supposed to develope something based on user's requirement, I have met this guy a few times and the work I am in charge of that time is practically relates to him (he was the person in charge)... Frankly speaking, the first time I see him during our discussion, he did catch my attention a bit... Tall, good looking, manly, above average fit, and have quite a lovely smile... But based on his attitude, I am pretty sure he is straight and eventually, all I can do is admire him as a straight colleague... But due to our nature of jobs, we barely have chances to meet up for discussion... Therefore, I knew in my mind that there is no way I could like even befriend him or something... What I can see is we are just purely colleague and all we can talk about is work related stuff... Although sometimes we did crack some jokes with each other but that was like only once... I could say at certain point, I just feel he is too straight to be even interested with someone like me... Nothing to be sad about since I respect him as a straight guy...

So I was browsing Tinder few days ago... Out of the blue, I saw his profile appearing for the first time in my life... I mean, what are the chances a straight good looking guy will be using Tinder lolz... For a moment, I thought that it would be really really weird if I swipe right on him and he swipe back since I am still expecting him to be straight... Is like, what are the chances that a straight guy would view other guy profiles (Tinder allows you to filter man or woman or both in the setting)??? Therefore, without hesitation and without hope, I just swipe him right for the sake of swiping and continue to browse...

As usual, I never expect anyone to match me in Tinder... So I just opened my app like a few hours ago and a notification appears... I was wondering who could it be since I never get a match for like a very long time... The moment I opened the chat, it was him... For a moment, I froze for no apparent reason and came back to my senses... I am quite surprised yet at the same time, confused... Until now, I am still curious of what is happening to me... Here are some of the questions that I've been asking myself for the past few hours:

1. If he is straight, why would he be able to see my profile and swipe me? Does that mean his setting is set to view both?
2. When I swipe him that time, it was not an instant match... So does that mean he only saw my profile after I swiped him???
3. If assuming he is PLU, did he really have an interest on me since he saw my profile and swiped me? Or maybe he just want to be friendly with me?
4. Assuming he is straight and paid for the app to see who swiped him, why would he still bother to swipe me?

Honestly, I can barely tell if he have any interest on me while I was working together with him... I don't even see a single hint of it... He is too straight to swipe me right at this point... I am still shocked to see him swiped me as I really do not know if he swipe me because he have feelings for me or he just swipe me as a friend...

Right now I am both excited and worry to know the answer... Cause my feelings for him was all gone since I left the project he worked in and now, a spark has been ignited out of a sudden... I really do not know what I am supposed to do as I am still lost of words for what is happening...

Hooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww?????? What should I doooooooo??????????

Am I OK???

Recently, something weird is going on with me... I'm not sure if this is some sort of mental health or what but I am pretty sure it is not something good.. Here are some of the occasions that makes me feel uneasy about myself...

I was never a hot tempered guy unless that thing really pisses me off a lot... So I was driving back to my home one night, and a car broke down on the left lane... I was driving on the left lane and suddenly have to stop completely due to the broke down car... I mean it wasn't a big deal since is not like they intentionally block the lane... Therefore, I have no choice but to move on to the right lane and this is where I felt mad... When I was driving on left lane, there were no car on the right lane at all and once I get close to the broke down car and tried to change my lane, there were like a long stretch of cars zooming over the right lane for like 1 whole full minute... I was questioning myself, why did this only happens when I want to change lane? Why can't it happens before or after? Why?

Another thing that somehow triggers me is when I left my house and realise that I forgotten to take my phone and I have to go back to my house to take it. I mean it sounds like a minor stuff but to me, somewhere in my brain, I started to have the thoughts of things does not goes my way. For some reason, I felt that everything that happens in my life should only goes smoothly in my point of view. It just ticks me off whenever something does not goes my way. Another example would be when I try to pour some boiled water into my bottle and accidentally splash out some water and caused a slight mess, it just ticks me off for no apparent reason. Basically, whatever minor stuff that occurs to me and does not meet my expectation will just pisses me off awhile.

The fact that I can start working out as the gyms are allowed to open, I felt slight relief in a sense that I can avoid all these minor stuff from affecting me. I've been trying to be more active by swimming and working out so that I can avoid thinking too much. To be frank, I think my mental health was slightly affected from my job stress. Recently, I have been working overtime during weekdays, and even have to work on weekend sometimes since September. I still enjoy working in this company just that I don't really enjoy working on the current project. Because of this, it has constantly urged me to find and change to a new job, which is not that easy as well.

As of today, I would say I am a little bit more OK but still need some time to recuperate, especially on my job stress and hopefully, I will have a fresher and brighter mindset by then.

It is OK to be not OK as long as you know how to take good care of yourself first.

*Deep Breathe*

Last 2 weeks were hectic for me due to work... I was so busy that I have to work OT and even on weekends sometimes... Today onward should be a little better... Probably it will still be busy ahead but at least I can have some breaks in between...

Moving on... My condo's swimming pool is finally open and I am so happy about it... Although I prefer them to open the gym, but at least having the pool could temporarily satisfy me xD

Even the commercial gym that I go is opened now, the fact that showers are not allowed pisses me off so much... I will only start back my gym when showers are allowed...

Few more good news to highlight... Apart from gyms, massage centers are allowed to open... I can finally go for a massage and probably will get myself waxed as well... And since gyms are allowed to open now, I believe that the gymnastic center should be operating by now... Since I'm not planning to go to gym yet, perhaps I can make good use of this time to attend some gymnastic classes first hahahahahaha~~~

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~

Oh My...

 

It has been quite some time since I upload a shirtless pic of mine LOL!!! Honestly, since MCO3.0, I never really workout until I got myself a yoga mat last week and I started back with some home workout to keep myself in shape... I am so fucking out of shape (even now) and I really don't know how long will this take for me to at least lose some of my love handles... Regardless of how much I wanted to lift weights, as long as the gyms are no open, I have to stick to this home workout routines T___T

Apart from my body being out of shape, my hair is getting longer as well... Will be getting a haircut this weekend... There are so many things I want to do right now... Massage & waxing is part of it... All the things that I wanted to do are still not allowed to operate... T___T 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~

Okayyy...

There is this guy I know recently (have not met before and knew him for a month) and I always thought I am the type of guy who can be overly attached or obsessive over the guy I love... However, this guy, is like a next level of me... I thought I am bad enough until I know this guy lol...

So the story is, this guy DM me via IG and he told me that he knows about me via Tinder... I never match him in Tinder so I don't really know who he is until I saw his DM... Since he say he wants to befriend me, I added him on IG and we proceed with our usual conversation like getting to know each other... Strangely enough, as time goes by, he is being overly attach to me... I mean, we never even meet before... I never even flirt with him nor express any interest to him, but he always try to assume I am his other half/partner... At first, I thought he was joking but it seems like he taking it too seriously about it now... I have clearly told him that we are just friends but he always try to force the thoughts that we are in relationship or something... I may misinterpret his intention but frankly speaking, it starts to become uncomfortable for me... If he continues on like this for another week, I guess I have no choice but to be a little harsh on him...

I've been chatting up with a few guys that are my type recently (purely just to be friends) but none of them are interested to meet up with me... Meanwhile, those that I never meet before (and not so of my type) are so eager to meet up with me... Why is making new friends so difficult nowadays or was it my problem actually??? =.=

Hoping for some interesting things to happen...

Lol...

 

I bought my tank tops finally... Wanted to get a few just for the sake of getting haha... Honestly, I get used to wearing tank top to gym but still not so used to wearing it for casual outing... It just felt weird to me as I am not used to wearing one since young... Or perhaps, I am just weird >.<

OK... Another post with picture done... Kinda busy with work recently and wishing everyone to be healthy and happy as always~~~

I want massage & gym so badly T_T

LOL!!!

I recall there was a period in the early days where I started to research a lot about swimming pools... That time, I do not know how to swim at all and I was very intrigued with swimming out of a sudden... Therefore, whenever I saw pictures or videos of swimming pool, my passion to learn swimming starts to grow stronger everyday until the very first day I stepped to a public pool, that is when I started to learn swimming... It took me around half a year to learn the basics such as floating and breathing control... To my surprise, I never hire any coach or trainer for my swimming lessons... I learn all of it by myself, alone in the public pool, waddling like a duck and trying to get my techniques right... I even remember there was once I almost drowned myself in Bukit Jalil Aquatic Center (it was a deep pool) when I just started to learn swimming lol... Frankly speaking, I totally did not regret learn to swim although it was a little bit late for me to learn hahaha xD

Now... Recently... I'm not sure if I'm being possessed or what but artistic gymnastic piqued my interest... It felt exactly the same as when I started to be interested in swimming... I tend to research, watch videos of how people train for it and I feel like it is something that I would be interested to learn... Well, I can say it is due to some influence from the hot guys in Tokyo Olympics artistic gymnasts HAHAHAHAHA!!!

I really have the urge to learn artistic gymnastics now... I am the type of a person that once I lock my eyes on to something, I must die die also try it... And very likely, once I started it, I will make it as a hobby of mine like swimming xD

The only concern now for me is there are very limited venues for me to train regularly as we need the proper equipment for artistic gymnastic... The closes one that I can rely on is at PJ... How lehhh :')

Why am I only interested in these at such an old age lolololol

Quick Random Update...

1. Was at the supermarket with my mom and suddenly saw a tall, hot guy... He basically has that figure which makes me swoon... And the next minute, he was walking with his girlfriend... Such a bummer lol...

2. Yesterday was doing my usual house cleaning chores... Was rinsing the mop and while I try to dry it, I broke the mop -.-

3. Before I took my 2nd dose of vaccination, I was quite motivated to do some home cardio workout... After that, I'm just too lazy... Still prefer to lift weights lmaoz...

4. Suddenly have the urge to do some furniture shopping... Sadly now MCO they are not allowed to open :'(

5. Wanted to shop for some cheap and nice sleeveless shirts... Still hesitating a lot >.>

6. One of my kasut I wear to work koyak... Now have to wear my gym shoe to work... Means I need to buy another new shoe for my gym T___T

7. Recently I'm feeling a little bit weird... I tend to lose my appetite and always feeling under the weather... However, when I started eating, my appetite just comes back and I can eventually eat a lot as usual... Why ahhh??? xD

8. I wanted to swim...

OK random updates complete!!!

Shit...

So just a quick update... Since I don't have many games to play, I have no choice but to play the game that pisses me off so much... Still, it pisses me off so much...

Now back to my main update... I've been craving for sweet stuff recently... I'm not sure why but my cravings for doughnuts, especially bomboloni is getting severe... I tried to divert myself from not thinking about it... Once I manage to escape the haunting of doughnuts, there comes the cakes... I already have ice creams and chocolate bar yet I am still craving the other 2 stuffs... Why do I have sweet tooth??? WHY???

I've been starting to do some simple home workout such as pushups everyday just to keep myself active... At least some is better than none... Since now EMCO has ended and we are entering recovery phase, I really hope gyms are allowed to open ASAP!!!

Actually there are so much things in my mind right now... Good, bad and even tiring to think of... Perhaps, I should stop overthinking :')

Just gotta do what I wanna do...

Physical Update...

I have stopped working out since MCO3.0 started and until now, my body is still aching for workout so badly... Although I can still do some home workout, but it is just cardio and nothing more... What I want and really need is weightlifting... My muscles are practically screaming for it... Before I started going to the gym, I read that once you started to workout, you will get addicted to it... I wonder how could that be possible and now, I understand it very clearly xD

It is quite noticeable as well that once I stopped weightlifting, my muscles shrunk... I tried to bulk up during this MCO3.0 period but all I can see is the fat on my stomach lol... Am I even bulking up correctly at this point??? Should I do pushups everyday??? Does it help to alleviate some of my urge to lift something??? Perhaps sit ups also??? I don't know... I just want to workout my entire body...

Now my body is aching for workout, not aching from workout T____T

Honestly... Even I don't get to workout at the gym, perhaps having a buddy to stay with me could keep me active HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Pissed Off...

I recall in this blog, there was a period where I am very pissed off from the game I played and I posted a lot about it... Recently I played back and yes, it still fucking pisses me off and I am posting about it again... Why does my team always have to be so fucking stupid and dumb??? Why it can't be my opponent's team???

I have to listen to song to calm myself down... Please calm down... Breath in breath out... Think of other stuff... Relax... Calm down...

Just enjoy the song... This song is so damn good... Calm down calm down...

It's getting light morning is coming up ほらね ごらん~ Life is so wonderful~~~

N.Flying...

I don't usually listen to male KPop group... If I do, means they are damn good... BTS was definitely one of them but their recent song doesn't really fascinate me much... And honestly speaking, I kinda regret for not knowing N.Flying earlier... I have to say, they are the only male KPop group that have the best Japanese singles so far for me...

OK new playlist now :P

Tell me why~ Tell me why~

HOLIDAYYYYY~~~

So glad that there will be another holiday this coming Monday... I always love 3 days streak of rest (alongside weekends)... Even better when it is on Tuesday or Thursday so I could take annual leave in between the weekend gap... And what is the best thing to do during long breaks??? Looping the song below:

I swear to God... Utada never fail to impress me with her songs... Basically, she NEVER make any bad songs... And her latest song, it was another masterpiece... I've been looping it since release on 2nd June until now, while typing this post I am listening to it as well...

She is just gorgeous... Absolutely gorgeous :)

Good long break to enjoy her song xD

Wesak Day!!!

So happy that tomorrow is a public holiday... I should have took 2 days off (Thursday & Friday) so I can get another long weekend but due to my tight deadlines, I am only able to take 1 day instead... Anyway, there are still a lot of holidays that falls on Tuesday or Thursday xD

Recently, due to my work, I can feel that my body is getting weaker... I was feeling unwell (not fever thank God) quite frequently since then and I know it is impacting my health in so many ways... Besides of physically weak, I was facing some mental breakdown for a period of time but I am slightly better now... Not sure how long I can keep this composure because it has been going on and off... I have to remind myself that I am just doing what I am capable of, and don't give any fuck to what other people say as long as I do my job well... This is all I can do for now...

Currently my body is screaming for gym so badly... For some reason, home cardio workout does not gives me the satisfaction at all... I don't feel as motivated as I used to be in doing home cardio workout nowadays... In fact, I am craving for weighted workouts... It feels like my body wants to hold weight rather than doing cardio... Probably I should consider finding some weights so I can do my workouts at home whenever I want... And yes... I hate my condo for shutting down the gym... Fuck you!!!

FUCK I WANT TO GYM SO BADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BL Dramas...

During my long holiday last week, I binge watch a lot of BL dramas... For some reason, whatever happens in the drama will very unlikely to happen in reality... That feeling you can see or feel in the drama is just something that close to impossible in reality... Not sure how to put it but ya, I finally understand why so many people  (both male and female) love watching BL dramas now... To me, apart from romantic scenes, bed scenes with 2 guys (shirtless) is a compulsory element in BL dramas... It does spice up and elevate the drama to a different level... OK I better stop here or else I am getting hornier by thinking of it lol...

Whatever I watched and felt from a BL drama is definitely something what every guy wants to experience... The most recent BL drama I watched is called "Because of You" and one of the main male lead cast is a Korean acting in a Taiwan BL drama...

Too bad I'm not an actor else I can have a chance to act in a BL drama with hot guys like them HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

MCO3.0!!!

Well basically Malaysia is undergoing 3rd Movement Control Order and all gyms are not allowed to operate for a month... Therefore, this is the only time where I will do home workout and it will only consist of cardio workouts since I do not own any weights... As I have mentioned previously, it took me some time to gain weight but it seems like I will be losing it again :')

Why is it so difficult to hit my goal :')

Why MCO WHYYYY!?!?!?

Updates #9342569275

OK just a random update post about myself... Here it goes...

I've been hunger, or perhaps deprived of sex as I did not engage in any of it for almost 2 months (or more)... Therefore, I've been eagerly seeking for one but as usual, no luck in getting any... So all I can say is go with the flow...

Apart from that, I've been very busy with my work... So far so good (not as bad as previously) but I still tend to have the thoughts of quitting this project... The only possible way for me to quit the project now is by resigning which I really can't afford to lose this job... I've been hunted by some job headhunters and they approached me with some job opportunities... However, none of them really interest me and I felt uncomfortable working in financial related stuff for now... I was trying to look for more interesting stuff (in IT field as well) and hopefully, I can find one as soon as possible before my current project starts to kill me :')

As for my physique, it seems like my chest is building up quite well... I can clearly see some improvement on my inner-chest and that actually excites me lol... On top of that, my deltoid is shaping up as well, making my shoulder looks more muscular... What surprises me the most is that I managed to gained my weight back from 65kg to 68kg... Given that my targeted weight is 70kg, it seems like I am getting closer to it more... Overall, my upper body part looks more fit and sadly to say, I still have a long way to go for my lower body (abs and leg)... For my arms, I don't see any improvements yet for now... In the end, I am quite satisfied with how my body is growing right now...

Talking back about this pandemic, Malaysia will be undergoing its 3rd Movement Control Order... The only thing that affects me from this MCO is basically the closure of gym... Luckily my condo's gym is still operating else I will be screaming...

That's all for today... Hopefully my next post will be a pictured post >.<

I don't feel motivated to work at all lolololol...

Turmoil...

Yesterday I talked with my boss and I was supposed to make a decision on whether to continue or quit completely... Frankly speaking, I wanted to quit this project completely but I worry that it will trouble my boss and the group of team that works with me... At this point, I am very unsure of what is right and wrong... Is like, if I continue on, it will just do more harm than good to me... If I quit, it will trouble all the people around me and it could potentially make me loses my job... My boss managed to persuade me the second time by giving me more confidence... Unfortunately, today I had a meeting with project manager I'm working with... It was between us and my boss was not involved... From the discussion we had, it is very clear that they consider me not up to par which I agree as well at some point... I have been pushing myself to learn more about this project... It just never works for me... It is very exhausting that whenever I try to do something, or try to contribute something but it just never seems to show... It feels so demotivating and this has been going on for almost 2 years... Not even once in this project I did something right somehow...

Recently, I question myself a lot about my own capabilities... Am I doing my job right??? Am I being a good son??? Am I even qualified to love someone??? Practically, I failed almost every aspect in terms of my career, my family and my love life... What can I do to be a better person, at least in one of the aspect???

Embracing myself for a turmoil this week...

Who Am I???

Something is bothering me recently... I would say it really bothers me so much that I just do not know if what I'm doing is even right at this point... The question that I need to ask myself is, am I living my life in the right path now???

It was my very first time in my entire career that I felt dissatisfied over a senior of mine, which ended up both of us arguing just because I failed to get something done right... Actually, I can never blame him at all because he did his best to help me on understanding but I do not know why it just never gets into my mind... Unfortunately, what causes the argument to start was he had too high expectation from me because I did very well in the previous task given but very bad in the current task... Therefore, when he said he was totally disappointed with me, it kind of struck my emotion and I just went mad by saying what I did is never right from his point of view all these while... Like I said, he was never wrong because he tried to help me in getting the task done correctly but I somehow neglected/ignore the guide he had given... After that, he lectured me and after realising that it was my fault, I agreed with what he told me in the end and everything was back to normal while I'm trying to get my tasks done ASAP by correcting all the things he told me to do so...

One thing I would like to highlight on why I lost my temper or emotion is because I am very clear that I have COMPLETELY lost my interested on doing this project since last year... I did mention to my boss that I would like to quit this project since the first year because it was never easy and I have totally no interest on this project at all... Sadly to say, I am just an employee and I even talked with my boss about it but he seems to avoid my intention by trying to say comforting stuff to keep me strong and moving forward... Just last Friday, I consulted my boss again and we discuss about this same thing for the second time (I was thrown to another project which is doing the same thing) with him but he tried to comfort me again... I have given some thoughts about it if I am really able to continue on and I came to a conclusion that I really could not withstand it anymore... I just really couldn't... I tried not once, but twice to make myself enjoy working on this project but I am really uncapable of doing it anymore... I feel exhausted just by thinking of it... I get totally demotivated just by thinking of working on every Monday... I feel traumatised by the past experience with this project... I get uncomfortable every second I think about it... Hence, I had made up my decision to talk to my boss again this week that I would like to quit this project once and for all... If he disagree with it, then I will immediately resign because by doing this, it will be fair to him and me as well... It might give my boss a hard time but I really have to do this or else I would never get my tasks done properly at all from that point onwards... I just want myself to do at least something I enjoy... That's it...

Honestly speaking, I really do not know if my decision is right but I know I have to make a final decision or else it will severely impact my mental health... I am trying very hard to get myself in control over this right now... I really wish I can hold on a little bit longer for my boss, for the company and even for the benefit of myself but I know I just couldn't...

I am sorry for being a complete failure in life... Feels like I will never get to live the life I desired after all...

Confession...

Recently, my libido is getting very wild and I am trying very hard to hook up with someone... Eventually, I still have no luck in finding one as those who I am really interested with will never consider me in the first place... My confession is that I promised to meet up with a few guys since January but I have rejected and neglected them for quite some time... I'm not trying to cover up my wrongdoing but I just want to express something...

I understand some of them are eager to meet me since I promised them but it seems that I have disappointed them a lot of times... When I am in my best condition to meet up with them, my work disrupts me and made me cancel my meet up with them... Yes... I do admit that I am very busy with my work as well but just by thinking of my work, it make me loses my mood to have fun drastically... Is not that I do not want to meet up and have fun with them... Just that as time goes by, I tend to be very picky, to an extent where I would only consider to have fun with that person I deemed almost perfect... For some reason, somewhere in my mind tells me that if I were to engage in sexual fun, it has to be the one that we both will enjoy the most... 

Overall, I admit it was my fault and I hope they will forgive me... For the time being, I will try to put myself back together...

I know I am such an asshole T_T

Am I Stupid??? xD

So something funny happened to me last weekend... Once in a while, I will go for a massage especially when my body ache are serious due to workout... Therefore, I went to this massage parlour at Farenheit 88 and got myself a nice massage plus body scrub... Whenever I go for a massage, I can honestly say that I will never give any tips unless the therapist is really good... In this case, I'm not saying the therapist was bad but not really that fantastic but I do think of tipping him a little at least cause last year was really not a good year for them... I decided to pay extra RM30 as tips, which is the change from the amount I paid... To my surprise, I did not realise that I paid an extra RM50 note together... I thought he would tell me that I paid more and give me back the RM50 but instead, he assume that the extra RM50 was my tips to him and he thanked me while quickly keep the RM50 inside his pocket... Frankly speaking, it was so fast that I was like just errrr wudddd huhhhh and I nod and say OK eventually...

Honestly, the differences of RM20 does means a lot to me, but at the same time, it means a lot to him too... Hence, after thinking about it, I have no regrets giving him extra RM20 cause I believe we have been through some hard time... Plus I agreed to give him so I can't blame anyone for that now... I will let it pass for this one time... If it happens again, I will definitely stop him and I need to make sure I pay the right amount from now on xD

If I am richer probably I am more generous in tipping AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Deep Thoughts...

I came to realisation that I am more of a person that stays within my own comfort zone... Whenever I tried to break out from this comfort zone, it seems like it will never be good enough from other person perspective... It got me thinking when one of the company I applied for recently through an agent and they come back to me explaining that my skills are not up to a senior level expectation... I do admit my skills are not very fantastic because I tend to present my work in the most simplified manner so that other people could understand when they study my work... I have done numerous complex stuff in my entire career and I'm pretty sure all functions accordingly but if my skills were evaluated from a simple test, I have no comment on that...

Nevertheless, I still enjoy doing what I'm doing now (just not for this project) and I guess I will just stick to my current job for a little longer... I don't really have any intention to change job unless someone introduced me a new job then I will just give it a try... I told myself that if I were to change my job, at least make sure I got my bonus first before I leave HAHAHAHAHAHA xD

Of course, if there is a better opportunity in my career, I am willing to give up the bonus in this case :)

Feel so empty recently... Need to find something to spice up my life a little...

Quick Rant...

Ok so I just moved to this new project and given the tight timeline, I understand that I am required to help them since that is the purpose of having me there but I feel that the timeline is way too unreasonable and I'm not sure who is not doing the right job at this point but if you expect me to work on something that I am not responsible of to begin with does not make any senses at all...

Therefore, I do not mind helping anyone at all but if you expect me to work during the weekends, I am so sorry that there is a limit to it and if you are unhappy with it, complain it to my boss... Given that you all are too used to working at such odd hours (like 10pm onwards) due to your inconvenience does not mean I have to follow your time as I prefer to work before 9pm...

Finally, if you all expect me to help you on something so last minute with the due date being tomorrow, I will but sorry to say it could be a half assed work because frankly speaking, my mind do not work that way :)

Meeting start gotta go for now ranting end xD

Happy Chinese New Year 2021!!!

It is the time of the year again where all Chinese will celebrate... The only differences is, we can't visit as much as we used to and basically it means we collect lesser angpows for this year and all parents saves more money cause they give lesser as well hahaha xD

Honestly, I really felt something missing for the first day of CNY... Usually, I will be gambling at this hour and eat/drink plenty of stuff... But now, it is just like an ordinary day for me... In fact, I am desperate for some mahjong and visiting my friends' house which is not likely going to happen...

Regardless, I would like to wish everyone a healthy and wealthy year of 2021!!!

Ok now one thing I really really really wanted to rant about... Starting from today, gyms are allowed to operate as usual BUT WHY SHOWER ROOM ARE CLOSED FOR USAGE!!! ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME?!?!?! When I read this, I felt so pissed off and because of this, I decided to continue on freezing my membership until the showers are open... The fact that I have to pay the same monthly membership fee yet they closed most of the facilities and services does not justify this at all... Therefore, my only choice is to continue freezing it to avoid paying something I am not getting...

What should I do for this new year???

Pressured...

OK like seriously a lot of stuff had happened to me recently and it is not going in a good direction for me... I always try my best in my work/job but at certain times, I felt miserable when I did not achieve what I'm supposed to... Of course, I do get my jobs done in the end but there is still something that bugs me all the time...

I did post something about my current project which is related with insurance and I DEFINITELY dislike it a lot since the very first day of taking up the project... I can tell that I am not suitable for it and I even approach my boss and told him that I wanted to give up that time... Up until today, it was a little bit better off but it still gives me a lot of pressure whenever I work on it... It feels like I am being traumatised by this project for some reason and the fact that my boss will take even more project related with this in the future gives me an insecure feeling on what I can do or achieve in the next few years... Is true... This project earns a lot of money... By doing well, I will be rewarded equally as well but I am still unsure if the pressure is worth the money by now... 

Recently, I was told by my boss that I will be moved to another project which is exactly the same insurance thing that I have been doing... At first, I was interviewed together with my other colleague and I thought that at least there will be one companion to work with in this new project... And my first impression of the new project is we will start off from the beginning slowly and build up... The moment I started working on the project yesterday, I only realise one thing... Something that is so not favourable for me at all... It turns out that in this new project, I am the only one that will be joining and the worst part is, I was informed that this project had started half way and they are in the midst of rushing everything by end of this month which I feel it is a little ridiculous given that the work that needs to be done is still so much... I mean like seriously??? As if I am not enough pressured in doing this project and now you giving me more??? One thing I am glad is that the stuff I'm going to be involved in is something I am quite familiar with but whether it will turn out as expected after it is done, I am still skeptical about it...

Right now, I really do not know what to expect from this new project... It felt so familiar yet foreign to me... Since last year October, I was actually updating my resume and got quite a few calls from headhunters but none of them interest me at all... On the other hand, the one that I found which interest me does not want to hire me... I felt like my career path is being stagnant and no progression at all since I work on this insurance project... I don't see myself enjoy doing this project... Hopefully, I don't go insane over this...

So there goes my story... At some point, it does really give me some depression and demotivate me badly as well... Since I have not much choice as of now, I will just have to do what I can do and keep moving on...

So... What my life would be???

Mask Day xD

 

So glad I got my haircut today and without those long hairs, doing my facial mask is waaaaaaaayyyyyyy much more easier and less messy...

Apart from this, what I really want now is to get a good massage... Wonder if any of the massage centre are open now...

Ok I have nothing else to type now lolololol...

The purpose of this post is just because of this pic HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Challenge Accepted!!!

Ok recently one of my friend challenged me to see who get 6 packs within 30 days first... Since gym are still closed and I barely workout since MCO, I decided to take up his challenge because it would be a good motivation for me to do some workout anyway... Apart from doing home workout, I tried to change my diet as well in hope that I can see less fat on my waist xD

Today is the 4th day... 26 more days to go... I got a feeling I might not be able to achieve it but I will still try my best...

As promised, I am posting a picture which is completely irrelevant with my progress and to show off how messy and ugly I am right now HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

I just finished working out in that pic lol...

Ohhh...

So after working with this project for a year plus, I am officially moving out from it and work on another project next month onwards... Not sure if it is a good or bad thing because basically, I will be doing the same thing like what I did for my current project... Nothing less, nothing more, just under different manager and different company... As this is a completely new project, I will have to do all the stuff from the beginning till the end (of course I'm not alone xD)...

Here comes my sad story... My boss just announced that our bonus will be postponed until further notice and we no longer get our incentives... On top of that, most of the benefits are no longer valid, and the still valid ones will have the amount reduced... I understand that it was a tough year in 2020 and it was not easy for everyone... Occasionally, there will be some recruitment company or staff from the company itself contacted me for a job opportunity but I don't find them interesting... To me right now, an interesting project is what I'm looking forward to... Something that is to my liking or interest, and something that I would enjoy doing and learning at the same time (not like insurance lolz)... My boss told me that he really hope that I will stick longer throughout this tough time with him... To be honest, he is a good boss and he really take very good care of his employees... I could not deny that and this is the reason why I'm still working for him... It will be better if he assign me to a more interesting project HAHA!!!

Ok... That's all I wanna update... Hopefully my next post is a picture xD

LONG WEEKEND AHEAD COMING SOON WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO~~~

Island Trip...

I really love islands so much that I will miss the smell of sea breeze once in a while... And sometimes, I would smell the sea breeze for a second and it is gone even though I'm at city center... When I retire, I told myself that I MUST live by a beach... That would be the most enjoyable moment in my entire life...

Right now, I really wanted to travel to some islands but due to this pandemic, the trip has to be delayed for a longer period... To ease myself, I will list down all my island trips (for work or for leisure) in sequence as below:

1.    Langkawi Island (Leisure)

I could never forget this trip because it was my very first trip to an island with my group of high school friends... It was after SPM and we decided to go for a trip and this is where we ended up... Given that I was an introvert that time and rarely hang out with people, it really feels different to me in a good way... My very first banana boat memory was from this trip as well xD

We rented a villa with swimming pool and at night, we were so noisy around the pool area that other tenants start complaining... The joy of youth lolz

2.    Bimini Island (Work)

During my 3 years of university, I think I never visit any islands until I started working for my very first job... On my 2nd year of my first job, I was given the opportunity to work at an island called Bimini, which is from Bahamas... It was my very first time working on an island, and probably the best working environment I ever had in my entire life... Up until today, I still miss Bimini island so much... From the beautiful crystal clear water to the serene lifestyle... I am so grateful that I was given the chance to work at this island... I really hope that I am rich enough to visit Bimini again someday :')

3.    Redang Island (Leisure)

2 years later, I visited Redang Island with one of my ex-colleague... To me, it was such a nice getaway after not going to an island for 2 years... The sound of the waves flapping by the shore is absolutely relaxing... Nothing other than this can eases my mind so much... From island hopping to enjoying the scenery, this is what I called paradise :P

We stayed at Coral Redang Island Resort and I recall this is the very first time I sleep shirtless with some other guy around me... Even when I work at Bimini alone, I never dare to sleep shirtless lol...

4.    Koh Lipe (Leisure)

A new experience for me when I visit Koh Lipe a year after Redang... This time, it was a solo trip and this is why it meant so much for me as well... Apart from the usual island hopping, one thing that stands out the most in Koh Lipe is their walking street, which is the most happening place at night... Along the whole stretch of the walkway, you can find almost every local delicacies from seafoods to dessert and I really enjoy it a lot... To me, this island is basically a food heaven xD

I will definitely bring my parents to this island one day :D

5.    Perhentian Island (Leisure)

On the very same year itself, 3 months later, I visited Perhentian with my ex-colleague again... If I remember correctly, this trip was a very ad-hoc trip where my ex-colleague and me suddenly agreed to go for an island trip and we decided to go here... We practically traveled to both side of the islands (there are Perhentian Besar and Perhentian Kecil which is just opposite each other) and it just satisfy my craving for sea breeze... As usual, we went for island hopping and in this trip, the most memorable thing is it was my first time having a serious conversation with my ex-colleague... LOL!!!

6.    Penang Island (Leisure)

This is still an island right??? LOLZ!!! Went to this island before Chinese New Year 2020... Not exactly the island trip I wanted but still, it satisfy my craving for sea breeze >.<

Ok... That's all the island trip that I had been to... There are still so many islands that I want to visit and I really hope that day will come sooner...

Bimini is still the best island for me so far :)

TWICE - Scorpion

Ok their first Japanese single that got me hooked was Breakthrough and after that, they released another 2 more Japanese single which is not to my liking... However, in their recent Japanese single 'BETTER', I love it especially their Side-B track 'Scorpion'... When I heard this song for the first time, I immediately fall in love with it... I rarely fall in love with a song on my first listening... But when it does, I will loop the song for the rest of my weeks, or maybe a month... Muacks!!!

Over night, over night~

Over night, over night~

物語は続くの wow~~~

My zodiac is Scorpio by the way LMAOZ!!!

Long Distance Relationship...

So... Apparently I thought I am good in handling long distance relationship... It seems like everything will be fine between us since it has been a year plus being apart... We never video call each other but we do message each other everyday... We share photos of hot and cute guys to each other... We laugh and joke with each other all the time... We share about the food we had all the time... I never feel that we are like strangers toward each other... Everything seems fine and good to me...

My very first time visiting Kuching and stay over at your house was better than I expected... You made me feel comfortable being around you although we only met for 3 times before I visit you at Kuching:

1.  First time was when I pick you up at your hotel to the sauna upon your arrival

2. Second was when we had breakfast together the very next morning

3. Third was when you came to KL again with your cousin and we meet up for dinner

Yes... I remember them very clearly... The time we spent at Damai where we swim together in the pool and you took a lot of pictures for me... I've even uploaded the best picture you took in my IG... That time when I hug you from the back while we were in the pool... That time when you were so fascinated with my phone as it can take pictures underwater... Facing a beautiful sea and mountain while swimming, it is really my very first time and I really appreciate that you brought me to Damai...

However, the most memorable moment for me was not when we were at Kuching... Initially, we missed our flight to Kota Kinabalu as I failed to check in on time... I felt so bad and down that time but you cheered me up and you suggested that we should go on the next day flight instead... Eventually, I agreed and we fly on the next day...

When we went for island hopping together where we swam to our heart content... When you wear your crab beach pants to the beach... When I apply sunscreen lotion onto your body... When you dance by the beach out of the sudden... When we head to a nearby stall and had our coconut milkshake after our swim... Lastly, when you challenge me to take off my pants underwater (there were no people around) and I laughed so hard underwater when you took off yours... It is still vivid in my memory...

I tasted the weirdest white tom yum soup at Kota Kinabalu and you love it so much while I hated it full heartedly... Our best dinner at the seafood restaurant (and it was cheap as hell) whereby the sotong is what we both miss so much until today... When we visited Imago Shopping Mall by running across 2 highway like road and took some pictures with the fountain... When we stroll along Kota Kinabalu Waterfront... The food we ate together are tastier and I never feel tired walking around with you...

That evening when we head back to our hotel after our swim and we were tired as fuck... We were supposed to take a quick nap before dinner and you ended sneaking over to my bed when we both are naked... I can never forget that warmness... We did almost everything except penetration as I do not want to rush things... When your warm mouth wrap around my **** and vice versa... When we kisses so much and intensely... When we cuddle together on the bed... When I look into your eyes while I was kissing you...  When we showered together and release our load in the shower finally before going to take our nap... I can never forget that very night...

The time we spent, both at Kuching and Kota Kinabalu meant so much to me... It will be engraved in my mind and heart for the rest of my life... The good memories will still remain within us but we are not fortunate enough to continue being a couple... I'm not feeling sad at all because we broke up in a good term... Somehow both of us do not feel awkward when we decided to break up... Maybe because our feelings toward each other drifted way too far and no feelings were hurt at this point...

Hope that you are not feeling sad all alone by yourself...