Emotionless...

Currently I am in the state of emotionless... At first I thought it was work stress but it is not even work stress... Basically, my brain goes into complete shutdown mode, not in the state to think at all... I felt like that brain is slowing down... I guess for the very first time, my brain hits the max usage of RAM or processor, like I really don't even feel like thinking at all... And the worst thing is, it happens when there is a project I need to rush... I just do not know what to do and how to deal with it right now...

There are a few factors that could causes this to me:

1. No vacation for 2018 - Yes... I did not managed to travel anywhere due to financial constraint...
2. Unsatisfactory job rewards - Increment and bonus, not as what I expected...
3. Never ending financial problem - As always...
4. Never enjoy working on this current project - Firstly it started out well but as time goes by, my determination on doing this project diminishes...
5. Most recent event - Collecting my phone next Wednesday, and getting to know that guy... Too much things happening...



While I'm typing this, my brain is still blank...

First And Last...

Yesterday night will probably be the first and the last time I can have fun with him... Not because we don't get to meet anymore, but the fact that he is attached does not really give me a choice to have him in my life or something similar... Friends, yes we still can be but I believe it will not turn out to be best friends type of relationship... Probably just hi and bye type... Given that he don't mind about having fun with another guy while he has a boyfriend, this show how desperately he needs sex in his life... I don't feel guilty as I am not attached and at the same time, whatever we did might cause him to break up, which I do not want it to happen either... I just want them to be happy with their life and I sincerely meant it... Or perhaps, I am envious of other people's relationship LOLZ!!!

Anyway, this week is a completely havoc week for me... Hope that I can really survive through this week...



Hopefully...

Complex...

This is getting complex... I'm not sure what am I supposed to do... This guy that I fell in love with, he has a boyfriend of 3 years and suddenly, he is asking me to shower together with him... Isn't this is cheating??? I really think he should not step too deep into this else it will be a big trouble for him... Of course, I agreed to it but I will never shower with him until he is clear what he is doing first... It is not just for his boyfriend but for himself... This is not something I can agree to do UNLESS his boyfriend knows about me, and his boyfriend is OK with it... A 3 years relationship without sex for a year, this is actually very bad given that he has high sex drive...

Nevertheless, I want him to remember he has a boyfriend regardless of what we are going to do... I will feel guilty if they broke up due to me...



Joey... Do what is right!!!

Hmmmmmm......

I am eager to meet him, sit down just 2 of us and talk the whole day... I just want to know him more, spend more time with him so that he gets comfortable with me being around him... Unfortunately, to me, I felt that I am some sort of alternative or substitute entertainment to him (either a good or bad way)... He tend to reply my message a few days late... He rarely ask me questions... He don't seem to meet me eagerly... I admit I love him when we met for the first time... Eventually, if he continues to be like this, my feeling will slowly vanish as well, which could be good for me...



Nevertheless, yesterday BLACKPINK concert was fantastic!!! I just hope to see them again and again and again xD

I will definitely attend all BLACKPINK's concert in Malaysia :D

Happiest Moment!!!

I never had such happy moments where few good things happen simultaneously to me... Let me summarise it:

1. Finally he message me!!!
2. Pre-ordered my S10+
3. Met a new guy (as a friend but not a partner)
4. Cash out my bring forward annual leave
5. BLACKPINK concert tomorrow

And all these just happened within a few days... I really never felt this joyful in my entire life that I just wanted to stop doing any work right now lolz!!!



Now... I am looping MAMAMOO's Decalcomanie nonstop :P

Impressive!!!

Samsung S10 won my heart... Completely... It is the type of phone that I'm looking forward to since 3 years ago... And what surprise me more is the price range of S10+ which does not exceed RM4k... Here are the following things that I am impressed with:

1. Ultrasonic fingerprint scanner
2. Dynamic AMOLED
3. Ultra Wide camera
4. Bigger battery capacity
5. Infinity-O

What's more??? The pre-order perks looks promising and worthy to me :D

Now... I'm waiting for the pre-order... Die die also must book 1 unit liao lolz...



I am so excited right now T_T

Events This Week...

Ok... I am anticipated with this week because of the following:

1. Samsung's event on 21st Feb
2. BLACKPINK concert on 23rd Feb

I don't feel mundane at all this week... On top of the events aforementioned, I am looking forward to meet him... Although not as eager as how I am previously, but I will let fate decides... Among all the events, Samsung's event is the one I am really looking forward to the most because I am ready to buy it... Nothing can stop me now :D



Yet I still have to complete my work from my job T_T

New Jam!!!

Ok... Hwasa from MAMAMOO really got me hooked up completely on her solo single... I really love this song a lot... And, their backup dancers are awesome as fark!!! xD



Twit twit twit twit~~~

End Of Lunar New Year...

Tomorrow is the last day of Lunar New Year... It has been always joyous during these period because we will get to visit friends' house and eat sinful food... Gambling, playing games and many more are like additional toppings to the festive seasons... It will never be bored... It will never be silent... It will always be fun all the time... I enjoy it a lot :D


Now moving on to my personal life... As expected, he did not send me a message... Frankly speaking, I still miss him a little as of now... I just feel like I should not give up on this... Is it because I'm getting older to think about having a relationship or what??? Lolz...
Even if I don't get a chance to be in relationship with him, I am very happy to be a close or good friend with him... I am ready to make a move on the person I am interested but situations does not allow it such as:

1. The girl I love - Every time when I try to date her for lunch/dinner, she will be either not in Malaysia, or she just went back to Singapore... I really love to be close to her as much as I could and slowly further our relationship but NO!!! Not even a chance for me to do so... Given how expensive Singapore is to me, I will never think of going Singapore for a day or two just to meet her...

2. The guy I love - He asks for my number and never message me at all but I still in love with him... After the incident, I felt way much better but I really hope that I can further develope our relationship... The only place that I can meet him now is at the gym...

I am still not giving up on the girl actually... I will do anything to get close to her as long as not asking me to go Singapore that's it... And yes... Being bisexual is not fun because we will ended up having more options to choose from...



So, who am I destined to be with???

It Was My Fault...

It was an utterly disappointing day yesterday... Able to meet him but it was a total turnover event... Not sure if I should be sad or happy cause this is how the story goes:

(NOTE: SFW)

Never intended to workout but just for the sake of hoping to meet him, I went to the gym for their sauna and steam. Upon arrival, as usual, looking around in hope of noticing him. Found a locker, settle down and undress myself. Head towards the usual shower row, nobody around and I thought he will not be in today. Since it is Valentines, probably he is with someone. I took a shower and head to the sauna. For almost 15 minutes, I leave the sauna to cool down. As I walking out from the shower area, BAM!!! It's him. Joy surges on me. I approaches him and greeted him. He replied. Asked some lame questions to break the tensions. Then, things goes differently after I ask the most important question.

Usually when he sees me, he will ask for a hug. But not this time. So I asked him the same old question which he promised to. Cheerfully I poked his arm and ask, "I thought you were going to message me yesterday?". The answer he gave totally explains everything. He replied "Oh I was too busy with work and I forgotten about it. I'm really sorry and I will message you tonight". That very moment, I actually get what he meant. I was instantly crushed, but at the same time, the burden in my heart dissipates. That very answer from him tells me that I am just fallen deeply in love by myself and not him. At this point, I know it was not his fault but I do want him to know that what he did previously made me fallen for him. I can't tell him that at all. No I can't. Since he gave me that answer, feeling gets awkward. I mean if I was him, every time we meet and I was asked the same question and I keep giving the same answer just never seems to work out well. Hence, I dismissed myself so that he can continue with what he wanna do. As I walk to my locker, I realise that I haven't get the firm answer. No. I can't give up yet. I embrace myself and look for him once more. I drank some water then I get back to the shower area to find him. When we dismissed, I notice which shower row he went. So I went back to the same row he was at previously and enters the shower cubicle opposite of him. Here goes.

As I was showering, I opened a small gap on my curtain because I want to confirm that he was at the opposite. I'm a creep. I instantly turned into a creepy stalker which I will never do. I was constantly staring out the curtain. And yes, when I enter and turn on the shower, he was peeking out. Not sure he was expecting some other people or me but yea he noticed me and I knew it is him. So I stayed as long as he stays and we peek each other numerous time. He was in fear (so sorry about that lolz). His expression tells me that he just want to completely avoid me at that very moment. But I am being very persistent on getting my answer so I kept waiting and he kept staying in the shower. Since I know how it goes, I left the shower and walk away pretending like I'm giving up. But no. I went out and get myself a drink, then I get back to where he is. He was wrapped in towel and he is being very alert of me, trying to leave the shower quickly but I pops up like a freaking creepy guy. He saw me. I was calling him over to me and he was too afraid at that point by waving no to me. It went for like 10 seconds where I was persistently asking him over and he keep declining. He thought I was up to something but the fact is I want to ask him something. After that, he give up and walk over to me and I immediately says "No worries I just want to ask you something". He felt slightly calmer. Without hesitation, I get to the point straight by asking "May I know what is your purpose of getting my number?". One second of pause. He open his mouth and answer me "Just want to get to know you more". That very moment, I was kinda pissed off and fire back a question in an instant "If you want to know me more, why are you not even messaging me?". Same answer from him. Once is fine. Twice is forgivable. Thrice? No point talking anymore. Not sure if he notice it but I can tell that my face was in total disappointment. Before he tries to walk away, I hurl out a quite true but hurtful sentence to him. "Even you say that you will message me, I believe you will never do so" with a disappointed smile on my face. Assuming he heard what I said, he smile and we both walk off. To me, at that moment, I know is the end. I walked back to my locker, take my new towel, go for a shower and leave the place without even trying to search or look for him anymore. The End.

Thinking back on the incident, I think I am being a little too mean on him just because of my own misunderstanding. But it seems like a right thing for me to do because this will stop him from being appreciative of me which could cause me to misunderstand again. At least now, I can see the fine line between us both. It is OK if he don't even look at me like how he used to be. It is OK if he is not going to message me. Frankly speaking, I knew his intention now but I still like him for who he is. The fact that I may hurt him, I accept it if he no longer like me. It was my fault to begin with. I'll admit.



Dear Joey. You had screw up your love life.

Valentines...

Before I leave my house, I pray one more time in order to hope to meet him again today... Indeed I sound greedy at this point because my previous wish was fulfilled... And now, I'm asking for it again... However, I have no choice because he did not send me a message... Not sure if he really saved my number or what but I can't wait like this... It won't do me good... I want a firm answer tonight... I was going easy on him yesterday because I believe in him... But this time, he broke his promises twice and I don't think he will dare to defend himself in any way... And like I said, yes, I will go wild... I may have those traits and looks of a small, young kid but once you messed me up, you gonna get it... First of all, if I meet him tonight, I will ask for his number, pull him along to my locker and pass him my phone... No running away... Hell yes, I will send a message right away and ask him to confirm the message is received successfully... Secondly, as a punishment, I will pull him to the shower and force him to hug me for at least 1 minute (I do not want to make his friend waiting for him and I am a gentleman) unless he is alone... Thirdly, ask him for dinner... To be precise, valentines dinner... I want to officiate it as our first day of dating if he agrees as a punishment as well... I may be evil, but goodly evil HAHAHAHAHA!!! If he declines, fourth thing to do, ask his real intention... Does he want me to be his FWB, or clearly a friend, or something beyond... If he says he is awkward, shy and still adapting, it is OK I can give him time but one thing is we have to know each other more by communicating more, not just at the gym but through messages and hanging out together more...

I am so gonna bombard him with questions... I do sound like a girl right now but sorry to say, I won't miss this opportunity...



If I see him tonight, he will never get a chance to leave the changing room lolz...

Thank God...

I never pray to God for help unless it is necessary but yesterday, my prayers was heard... It was kind of miracle to be honest and to return my favour, I swear I will not eat beef anymore... Let me go through the story on what happened yesterday...

(WARNING: NSFW)

As usual, arrived to the gym and start changing to my workout attire. I never have high hopes because something tells me that I won't get to see him today since I did not manage to find him on Tuesday as well. I told myself yesterday if I don't get to see him, I will just accept my fate. Hence, I just get back to my usual routine. But the only differences this time is I am paying attention to the guys around the gym more than usual, in hope that I can identify him or he identifies me... For an hour plus, it was disappointing but I accepted it. Things changes from this point.

I went to the changing room, looking around as well. No luck. Head straight towards my locker and undress myself for shower. I told myself again that I should just shower quickly and leave the place since the chances for me to see him is as thin as a beach sand. As I walk towards to one of the cubicle, a guy was infront of me. Well, normal. He enters his cubicle and closes the curtain. As he turns around with the curtain almost fully closed, my eyes met his. I can't recognise him at all since it was just his eyes. I mean well I gave up my hope anyway. I just walk to the cubicle opposite of him. As I was trying to close my curtain, BOOM!!! FUCK YEAH!!! The guy opposite me pulls his curtain completely open, with the sudden moment where memories surges right into me. It was him. As if I regain back how he looks like that day. His eyes, face, nose, mouth and most importantly, his body. I can never forget his firm yet meaty pecs and arms. I can feel my eyes was full with joy. Excitement. "Shane?" I blurted. He said "Hey" and that very moment, I was melted with joy once again. We both walk out of our cubicle and greeted each other. After asking some questions, we proceed to a spot and again, he asked me for a hug. I mean why not? Both of us was on our towel, topless and we hug each other. That hug is definitely something I could never forget, probably because it was him. I wanted to hug him longer but I know he was a little afraid of other people noticing so after a quick hug, I asked him for his number. He was kind of reluctant to give me his number but I emphasis on reminding him to message me. I believe in him. I trusted him. And the next part is the interesting part.

After some talking, we both parted ways. As I enter my cubicle, I noticed that he was following me. I mean that's fine. But he seems a little shy. He peek through my curtain but he did not ask for anything. As he was trying to walk away, I peek out of my curtain and he notices me. A manly guy but shy in any possible ways. I BOUGHT IT!!! I ask him over and he ask me why. Of course, my instinct tells me that I should take a shower with him, hence I invited him to shower together. He declined at first because he was afraid and I know I should not force him at that point so I ask him to shower next to my cubicle. He agreed. As we were showering, the cubicle has a 2 sided glass wall that is slightly transparent. I saw him putting his hand on the glass wall, so did I, as if we are holding each other's hand. After awhile, he was done showering and left his cubicle. I purposely open some gap between the curtain for him to see me when he is done. Yes. I am not ashamed because it is him. He stops, glaring at my naked body and asked me am I top or bottom and I replied I'm vers. As he was glaring at my dick, he offered to touch my dick. I was OK with it for sure and to get him closer, I pull him in a little to my cubicle but he is still afraid of the people around. As he was playing with my dick for awhile, I really wanted to pull him in but to ensure that he don't feel uncomfortable too much, I let him go. While he was enjoy looking at me, he asked me to show him my butt. The fact that I have this firm, perky and bubble butt will attract a lot of tops. As I showed it to him, he smiled and compliments my firm butt. Honestly speaking, I don't really feel anything when anyone compliments my butt probably because I'm not a real bottom as well. At that moment, involuntarily, I asked him "So you're a top right?" and he nodded without hesitating. Eventually, the crowd around the shower area is getting more. Few guys were roaming around and we knew this is the time for us to be apart. He goes back to locker to dress up and so do I. We left the changing room. As I was walking out from the changing room, I saw him for the last time, and I reminded him to message me no matter what. The End.

Now. I'm very pissed (but not mad) with the fact that he did not message me even though he promise me. I mean, if you are interested in me so much and you try to jual mahal by not giving me your number, I can honestly say that the next time you meet me, you may like it or dislike me completely. Don't blame me though. You played with my feelings first but I can tell he won't mind what I'm going to do to him because he really fall for me somehow. I may be soft from the outside but I can be wild sometimes xD

Promise is a promise. Like I will stop eating beef as agreed. You have triggered my wild button so you better be prepared for it!!!

That "Fourking" Combos...

Let me tell you how this guy made me fall in love immediately within 5 minutes... I mean, no joking... Nobody has ever done that so well to me which seduced me instantly... I called it as the four fucking (fourking in short) combos:

1. The guy approaches me and ask for my number probably because I caught his attention and he has an interest on me
2. The guy approaches me topless. How not to look and admire his body that close? And, he has the type of body that I totally adore
3. The way that guy act, being so manly yet shy when he tries to approach me. Seriously, I never experience such adorable moment of a guy being shy. Is hard to explain but his look when he is shy, I FUCKING BOUGHT IT!!!
4. He request for a hug when we are both shirtless (I just put on my pants and he was on his towel)



If a person never fall for this fourking combos, I really don't know what your heart is made of lolz... If it was a girl using the fourking combos on me, yes, I will fall for her too...

I never really believe in God but for this guy, I have to give it a try... For once, I really pray and hope that I will get a chance to meet him just once, face to face in the gym so that I can clear things out... Else, a message from him would do good... I'm not asking much... Just one thing... So please... Help me out for real...



I can barely carry this burden in my heart... If I never get to settle this feeling out, it will forever be a burden to me and I'm ain't joking about it...

Torturing...

That same feeling I had once... That feeling of not able to meet him... One regret is all it takes to bring me down... One regret that lingers within me for the past few hours... It is short, but lengthy enough to torture me... I am really curious on why he is not messaging me... Because he was shy??? Or afraid to disturb me??? Or he feel insecure??? Or he just suddenly lost interest on me???

After all the things happened, how can he don't feel anything while I was surged with it??? I mean, it is very clear that he is interested in me but why he never try to message me??? Was it because he lost my contact accidentally??? Or because I gave him the wrong number??? Why my thoughts became so complicating??? Why I did not initiate more that time??? Why I did not do something right at that very moment??? Why??? Why do I have to torture myself with these regrets???



How am I supposed to get through my days like this???

FML!!!

It has been a long time since I have this love torturing moment... This time, it is a guy from the gym I went for a month... The story goes like this:

 (WARNING: NSFW)

I just finished my workout, undress myself in the locker and put on a towel then I head over to the shower cubicles. I used to shower at the last cubicles because I am tempted to masturbate in the shower most of the time. But of course, I am not ashamed of doing it but I ensure that my curtain is completely covered to avoid unnecessary exposure to the public. It started off with a shower and after a minute, I notice a guy used the cubicle next to me. I am OK with it so I continue showering and of course, I started to wank. Initially, my plan was just to wank it out, clean myself and leave the shower. But something intrigued me to continue and slowly enjoy my wanking session while having a guy next to me. For a moment when the guy next to me puts his hand on the cubicle wall (I guess he is trying to peek through the cubicle wall which is slightly transparent) and his shadow is obvious enough that he was trying to peek to my cubicle from his cubicle. The shadow of his body was too apparent that I immediately knew he was trying to peek on me. Since I let myself out, I don't mind him peeking as long as he is on his best behaviour. For a good 2 minutes of me showering and wanking, looking at his shadow moving back and forth, I knew where this would be going.

After 5 minutes, he can't resist and bravely opens my curtain to peek on me. I saw him (he is an old uncle, not chubby but not fit either) and he was looking at my hard rock dick, while I was rubbing it. He ask me to walk closer so that he could give me a handjob and I just allow him to do so. After awhile, I felt that it is very inconvenient to have our fun like that and hence, I just decline his good offer so that I could wank it myself and get it done. I get back under my shower and continue wanking, waiting for it to burst. Not even a minute, the uncle sneak out from his cubicle and go straight into mine. For a moment, I was shocked that he was so brave and next, he immediately kneel down and suck my dick. Of course, I did not resist because I knew this would happen and since the uncle desperately wanted to suck mine, I let him do it as long as he is enjoying it. As I have been wanking for quite some time, I was getting close to cumming before the uncle suck me. Not even a minute, I could not hold it any longer. I was trying to warn the uncle that I am going to unload by tapping both of his shoulders but the uncle still continues. At that moment, I shot right inside his warm mouth and he still continue to suck my dick for awhile. It was great and relaxing. The uncle stood up and proceed to wank himself right next to me. I did help him by giving him handjob and I just played with his nipple until he unloads. Not sure if the uncle enjoys it but since the uncle offered to unload me, I have to thank him and give him a kiss on his cheek. After showering his cum off his dick and wrapping himself up with his towel, he leave my cubicle and I continue showering myself clean.

This is where the interesting story begins for me. I was done cleaning, wrapped myself in the towel and walked out from my cubicle. As I left my cubicle, a guy came out from a cubicle opposite of my row. As just something happen, it is normal that I pretend nothing happened and walk away as quick as possible. Even though I move quickly, I did had a glance on that guy. Nice chest and muscular arms. Perfect for hugging. Looks above average but never get too in detail. Basically, it is just a feast for my eyes, not my heart. I head towards to my locker and start to dry myself and put on my pants. After I put on my underwear and pants, it was him again. Same row of the locker. He opens his locker and look at me for quite some time. I noticed that. I mean, I noticed him because I really admire his body a lot. I never expect anything since he look very straight and manly to me. And this is when the unexpected thing happens. He was looking at me the whole time. I was curious and gazed right back at him. He was constantly looking at me and I somehow knew what's going on. He tried to approach me but he moved back when I look away because I was busy packing at the same time. Then I look at him for a good few seconds. He was still looking at me and clearly, he is being shy even though he wanted to say something to me. After I get his hint, I smile back and continue looking at him, as if asking him not to worry just approach me. He took a few steps, and walk towards me, and he tries to say something by mumbling first. I gave him a "Yup?" response but he was overly drown by his shyness and said "Nothing..." and walked back to his locker (at that moment, his shy and awkward look is so fucking adorable!!!). Since I knew what's going to happened, I look away as if nothing happens but I knew he wanted to say something. I pretend to pack my stuffs, and after awhile, I look at him again. His eyes meet mine for a good few seconds and he embrace himself to walk towards me again, slowly. Deep inside me, I really adore him because I can see that he wants to know me but afraid that I don't like him. To break his shyness, while he walks toward me, I make my move by walking towards him. I greeted him "Hi" (IIRC) and we both shook hands. Then, he asked my name and I asked his. But the surprising thing is, he asked if we can hug. Just so you know, I have not put on my shirt yet and he was still on his towel, while his body is still wet. "Sure", I replied. As we embrace our body together, I knew that feeling had a strong impact on me. Although it was just a quick and short hug, it was lovely. After the hugging, he immediately apologise to me that he made my body wet as well. It was OK for me since it is not extremely wet either. At this point, I found out that he is actually a nice guy which I like. Manly at the outside, shy on the inside. It never fails to attract me. And because of this, I think he is few years younger than me as well. Then I put on my shirt and he asked for my number. Of course, it is my pleasure and honour to give him my number. Unfortunately, I was so mesmerised by his body that I fucked up my chance to get his phone number. I could have input my number on his phone and give myself a miss call so I can get his number but I did not. I was completely mesmerised. FML. I regret up until now for not doing it. Worst, I did not ask him for a dinner yesterday. FML. And I did not stay longer to have longer conversation with him. FML. I am utterly regretting right now. I'm not sure if I will get the chance to see him again even though he said that he goes to the gym every weekdays for the last 2 years. I just feel that good things will never come to me so easily like this, and this is the 2nd time a guy approaches me, asking for my number (exclude gay saunas). Usually I am the one asking. This hot guy really leave a big impact on me. Finally, after giving back his phone with my number on it, I just move on and leave (dumb and fucking noob of me) by saying "OK I'll be leaving now. Hope to see you again" and he replied me back "Alright. Nice meeting you". The End.

Seriously, I never wish or hope for being rich or what but this man, is definitely something I want in my life. He is my ideal guy. I am really hoping that he will either message me, or if he don't, at least let me meet him up in the gym again so I can properly welcome him. It would be devastating if I don't get to see or chat with him today.



Dear God, kindly give me a chance. This is the very first time my ideal type of guy approaches me and ask for my number. If he is really interested in me, please please please at least have him message me or let me meet him again tonight.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR 2019!!!

I am always late to update my blog... I mean, usually when I am on any festive holidays, I will just use it to do all the things I need to do hence, I don't really have the time to update my blog... Today, I am back to work...

To sum up what happened 1 week ago:

1. Skipped gym 1 week
2. Probably gain some weight
3. Getting ang paos
4. Visited some friends
5. Played mahjong and cards
6. Win some money from gambling
7. Enjoy my time spent on KH3 (best game ever!!!)
8. Hot weather but rain heavily one day

Since there are 2 more weeks before CNY ends, probably I should make good use of the time to mahjong lolz



Mana kaki?!?!?!