Well Well...

All these time, I knew that I do have depression in and out frequently but it usually never last that long, probably maximum 2 weeks then it goes off... And because I was going through a few treatments since February, I knew it does impact me in some ways as well... Then comes to my job, the reason why I desperately wanted to resign is purely because I knew I can't focus on my work (this project) anymore... What surprise me yesterday was when I tried to look at the list of symptoms of depression... On average, out of 10 symptoms, currently I have 7 symptoms out of it and this is really not a good sign... To name a few symptoms I have mentioned before in my previous posts:

• Heart palpitation. My heart tend to beat very fast when I am idle or sleeping
• Fatigue. Feels tired most of the time and wanted to do nothing but just lie down
• Lack of motivation. I believe this is the main root cause of my depression

The fact that even when I told my boss that I am having this mental health problem yet he reluctant to let me resign burdens me even more therefore I have no choice but to request what I can and can't do at this point with him...

I never tell anyone about my depression apart from my boss and I felt that telling him doesn't really help in easing my depression... Perhaps I should try to consult a professional or should I give myself more time for recovery??? One thing for sure, going to the gym or swimming really helps a lot in reducing my depression...

One quick update: I finally got my 3rd injection for Syphilis... Hopefully I can be fully recovered from this treatment :')

Frankly speaking, there are still a lot of stuff in my mind right now but I will leave it to another post...

Meanwhile...

There are seriously a lot of stuff in my mind right now and I am still trying to digest and sort it out... Once this major decision that I will be making passes, I can foresee myself to start with a new fresh life... While I am still trying to cope with everything that is happening concurrently, I just wanted to share this song for no reason lol...

Ok la this song is really good actually... Been addicted to it since I heard it for the first time... Listening to this song is like a remedy for me right now...

I really could not concentrate on my work right now with all these thoughts in my mind... Help me :')

Recovery & Final Decision...

Last week before I got my treatment, I realised that my health was severely affected from Syphilis... Apart from the rashes, it actually does induce some fever which is why I tend to feel very unpleasant, in a way that I know I feel feverish but it never hit me hard... On top of that, I felt fatigue most of the time... Eventually after a test, the report came out and I was indeed re-infected with Syphilis... The bacteria count for my re-infected test was way much higher than my first test which the doctor was quite surprised as well... Of course, I took my first treatment dose last week (this time, I need to take 3 doses, once weekly) and I totally feel way much better... Besides from being less fatigue and no sign of feverish, my rashes was not so visible and the best thing is my foreskin does not have any lesions easily now... It really gave me a lot of relief at this point and I feel like a normal person now... It was both physically and mentally exhausting when dealing with STD...

Seeing myself recovering at this point is definitely a good start... I may not know what gonna happen next so I will just live on with the flow...

Now, the fact that I am recovering well helps me to make a rational decision... I have came to a conclusion which took me 2 weeks and that is to resign from my current job... I am in the midst of looking for a new job in the meantime but it should not stop me from resigning anytime I wanted... The main reason I am making this decision is for the benefit of my mental health... I realise that if you are not enjoying your job, there is no point to put so much effort on doing it well since nothing rewarding will be coming out from it with the fact that it does put a huge amount of stress and unwanted pressure from it... Of course every job has its stress but if this is not an enjoyable stress, it will never give you the satisfaction from it... Hence, I told myself that my next job should be something new, or entertaining, or some field related with my interests... I will not bound myself to a job that will keep me unhappy... And frankly speaking, my sixth sense tells me that the direction of how this project goes is not gonna be good lolz...

There are a few more reasons that made me wanted to resign so I don't think I should hesitate anymore for the benefit of myself...

Will I be able to secure a job after my resignation??? xD

Apologies...

OK before I start, I just want to say that this is another depressing post of me and I would like to apologise in advance first... Bad things has been happening to me and I have to keep facing it regardless of what happened to me as I don't really have much choice and therefore, I have decided to list it out here... I will go in point for the ease of reading:

1. Yesterday I went to revisit my doctor... Based on the previous test results, I was mostly negative and got my treatment for Syphilis and genital Herpes... Everything sounds and feels right but until a week ago, I notice that rashes has been developed and spreading from by body all the way to my arms and thighs... Since I am worried that it was due to Syphilis, I decided to consult the doctor again (and spent a lot of money again) to ensure that it was not caused by other or repeating STD... Frankly speaking, since I got infected with STD, any irregularities or abnormalities that occurs to me will always lead me to STD causes and I got so tired of thinking about it that way...

2. Rashes wasn't bad enough??? Since my chancre and herpes has recovered, I thought everything around my penis area would be fine... Unfortunately, recently I felt my glans and foreskin tend to be EXTREMELY sensitive compared to last time... And the worst part is, I tend to get lesion or skin tear around my frenulum VERY EASILY since then... Sometimes, out of the blue, I will feel a little ticklish on my penis foreskin for no reason when there are no lesion around that area... Although it does not have any major impact on my daily life, I felt mentally exhausted thinking that there are some other STD that causes it...

3. Since my rashes started a week ago, I felt my body is getting weaker... Most of the time, I can feel my heartbeat beating fast even when I am not active in general (such as sitting or just laying on my bed)... Especially when I going to sleep, I can feel my heartbeat tend to beat faster until I fall asleep soundly... Apart from my heartbeat, I felt very lethargic since then... Sometimes I do feel like a fever is coming but somehow my body able to cope with it... In the end, I'm not sure if I was having fever or not since I don't feel feverish at all...

4. With minor physical exhaustion now, the biggest exhaustion that I am facing is mental. Besides of my STD thoughts, I realise that I am no longer motivated or interested in my job, to be precise, the current project I am working on... Since 2 years ago where I started this project (which I had complained a lot as well), I don't think I can push myself through anymore and I really wanted to quit so badly... The worst part is, my boss will NEVER agree if I told him that I wanted to pull myself out from this project and request for a project change... Eventually, the only way now is to resign from this company... However, if I chose to quit now, I am unsure if I can secure a new job for myself as I am having a lot of commitments as well... Although I have been receiving calls for job introduction, most of it was barely my interest as well... I do not want to work on a project that I can never enjoy... Hence, I am having a serious dilemma on this decision right now... I really don't know what is right or wrong to do at this point...

Knowing that my health is somehow deteriorating, I'm not sure what will happen to me the next day... Is not just physical health, but mental health as well and the latter has the most impact on me right now... Sometimes, I just feel so lifeless in a sense that I do not want to do anything and just sleep, hoping that everything will be OK the next day...

Thinking back, if I never met him on New Year's Eve, probably my life would not be this miserable...

Regardless how much I need to suffer from now on, I still need to move on with my life... Perhaps, I will live this life without joy for the rest of my life...