Troubled...

Ok first off, I am not depress but there are something in my mind which really seems to be a burden to me right now... I never had so many thoughts going on in my brain right now, regardless of good or bad, it is just taking its toll on me... And what is the trouble that's troubling me??? My job has the biggest impact...

All these while I questioned myself about my sexuality and it does give me a better insight after all... From meeting gay people, having casual fun, understanding the community, visiting gay saunas and exploring the possibilities, my brain is constantly processing... And because of this thing, I've lost all my concentration on my job, causing delay to the projects and let me be frank, I really have trouble solving even the simplest problem right now... I just can't accept this myself because I am usually not like that... I've lost my determination to solve problems as well and things just got tougher for me when it was not tough to begin with...

I really don't know how much I can cope with my job as of now but I will do my best... How my life should proceed from here??? I would like to have some guidance...



In the end, it is all about myself T_T

The Truth (Continue)...

As usual... I tend to meet him every Tuesday & Wednesday in the gym... We just carry out our usual workout routine... After the first incident, I did have a minor thankful feeling (nothing sensual nor sexual) and I did want to befriend him... But of course, being an introvert will always have that mindset of letting other people approaches you rather than approaching them... I never dare to make my move... We met in the locker room frequently as well but I did not do anything...

The second incident which actually made me to confront him yesterday night was somehow, special I would say... It begins with a normal night gym session... We both were there, done our gym, get ourselves showered, get dressed and leave the gym... I have the habit of taking a bottle of mineral water and an apple in the gym right after I return the locker's key back to the reception... When I open the gym door, he was standing next to the door where the water dispenser is, filling up his bottle... As usual, nothing much interesting, I went and grab my things and leave the gym... Heading to the lift and while I was waiting for it to reach my floor, there he stood, beside me and waiting for the lift together... Honestly, I did not really have much eye contact with him since the first incident... If I recall correctly, all I ever did was glance at him and probably gave a smile or two but I'm not sure if he notices it... We enter the lift together, the door closes and proceeds to ground floor... This is the time where everything changes...

I'm not sure if I am considered a gentleman here but I do have the habit of holding the door open for people to leave the lift first before I leave lastly... I did it for almost everyone in the lift provided that I am close to the lift buttons (or control??? What did you call that??? LOLZ!!!)... We both stand in the lift with the door opened while I was pressing on the open button, for like a good 5 seconds and he was assuming that I will leave the lift first... But I guess he is surprised cause I did not make any move and the moment he look at me, I gave my hand gesture to signal him to leave first... That is basically so me because I just felt that this is a minor gesture that everyone should adapt to... And so, he get it and he leave the lift... This is the very moment where I found it to be special... As he leave the lift, he said "Thank You" to me, exactly the same moment from the first incident where I said "Thank You" to him... But his "Thank You" to me that time, was the softest, gentlest, sweetest and cutest thank you (from a man) I have ever heard in my life... A tall, manly, good looking guy with a soft and gentle voice is definitely NOT SOMETHING I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED... This is where my gaydar (gay radar as what I read lolz) tingles and I knew something is hidden in him... Therefore, he left and I head to my carpark...

After the second incident, I told myself that I should confront him at least once, just for the sake of knowing him more and befriend him... The good thing is, no sexual thoughts came to my mind while thinking about him but I just felt that he is the kind of guy that would make a good friend, perhaps a gym buddy or swimming buddy if he is interested... Once again, my thoughts on him changes even more after yesterday night's incident...

After I'm done with my gym, I went to the locker room and eat the apple I took... This time, I purposely eat slower because I am waiting for him to finish his gym as well... At first I thought I lost hope because I have finished my apple and I went straight to shower... I thought that I would never get a chance to approach him yesterday night... And after I came out of my shower, I went to the clean my ears with some cotton buds provided by the gym... As I was cleaning, there he is... With just his towel on and he walk toward the shower cubicle... Luckily on the spot I was standing, I can see the perfect reflection of the shower cubicle entrance and to my surprise, he was butt naked when he approaches to the shower... He left his big towel out, while he took a small towel together into the shower... Of course, I knew my chances is there... I purposely clean my ear slowly so I can see him leaving the shower... Once he has completed showering, he grabbed his towel, and move to the sauna room... By then, I know the chance is clearly there and I should not miss this opportunity... Hence, I head towards to the sauna...

As far as I remember, I have been into the sauna with him for a few times... Every time in the sauna, he usually remove his towel, as in completely naked but he will cover his private part with the towel... During the sauna period, I did not dare to make any move because I don't see him hinting anything... I closed my eyes the entire sauna period, and once in a while, took a quick peek on him to see what he is doing... But due to the dimmed sauna light, I can't really see much... I thought I would lose this chance because I am unsure if he is the guy I would like to approach... I can't see his face clearly so I do not dare to make a move... After like 10 minutes, he stood up and leave the sauna... As he left, I take a proper look and YES, IT WAS ACTUALLY HIM... Sadly to say, I thought I blew my chances away... I felt slightly down deep inside but it was OK because we still have more chances to meet... And the next moment, after he left the sauna, he turn into the steam room instead... In an instant, I was excited and enlighten that time... It was a clear second chance for me... I did stand in the sauna for like 2 minutes to think about what to say when I join him in the steam room... In the end, I can't think of anything and just move to the steam room with him...

I saw him butt naked and covered, sitting at one side while I enter and sit somewhere opposite him so I can see him... During the first 3 minutes, I was closing my eyes, some times have a quick glance to see what he is up to and enjoy the steam room... Eventually, I told myself that this is a good chance to approach him, probably by speaking to him but I can't pull myself together on that... Is tough being an introvert... Hence, I give up closing my eyes and just pretend to admire the steam room by looking around... After like a good 1 minute, something interesting happened... Most likely he did not notice me staring at him, but it was very clear from the hand movement of him, stroking something underneath the towel... I can see more clearer in the steam room since it is much brighter... I was staring at him moving his hand for like 30 seconds and I knew he need some help from that point... Hence, I approach him and ask:

"Do you need some help???"

He smile, and nod slightly... That very smile of him when I ask him the question was very sweet and lovely... After that, he allows me to handjob him and not sure if he is shy or what, he just play with my nipples... I don't mind what he want to do to me but he seems to enjoy playing with my nipples while I am giving him a handjob... Of course, I will never give a blowjob unless that person requested for it... I did try to ease the tension by asking some simple questions but he was kind of reluctant to answer it as well... From this point, I know he is a little worried or scared over something, probably because I act a little bit too much... There are even few times I tried to cuddle and kiss him but he does not seems to react to it (Note: I did not act rough on him... It is completely gentle)... One thing I can clearly see from him is that he is very shy and maybe this is the first time for him to engaged in something like this which makes him a little uncomfortable... I won't blame him for this because I reacted the same on my first time as well... In the end, he cover himself with the towel after a minute or two, and he say he want to go... To be honest, I tried to pull him back because I just want to chat longer with him but I can clearly see that he is not comfortable at all so I let him go... The point is, even if he stay on, he will not answer all my questions... And so he left the steam room while I enjoy myself and leave the room as well... As I went to the grab a new towel for my shower, he was getting himself changed... He did not look at me... Perhaps I have left a bad image or scar on him... Since I respect his privacy, I did not approach him after that and I went straight to my shower and leave the gym...

To be frank, I'm afraid that I might scared him off, causing him to quit the gym and not coming back anymore... I just want to befriend him in a good way since he is definitely someone that caught my attention first... Regardless of what, I really hope to see him again someday and perhaps this time, he can open himself up more to me so we can know each other better...



Conclusion: I made my first move but the result does not seems to be favourable LOLZ!!!

The Truth...

Before I move on to the truth, I must share this story of mine...

There was this cute and semi buffed guy in my gym at Sheraton Imperial KL... To be frank, I did eye on him for quite some time because we tend to meet each other regularly since last month... He may not be muscular or extremely fit, but he does have the meaty feeling which is my sort of preference... As usual, we workout on our own and since the gym was not as huge as it seems, most of the time we are quite close when working out... The first time I saw his face, he was sort of OK or normal to me... Plus he kept his mustache and beard... It looks OK to me as well... But I have no feelings toward him that time... None at all... So the days just goes by as usual...

One night, where everything change, begins at a moment where I accidentally drop off the weights (I did not lock it on the barbell) from the barbell due to exhausted biceps... I was working out on my biceps that day and my biceps suddenly weakened when I took the barbell up and turn around, causing all the weights to fall off... I was kinda embarrassed to be honest and of course, I went to pick up everything... To my luck, one of the weight rolls over to him and he picked it up for me. That was the first time I actually look right into his eyes and said something, which is "Thank You" in this case... After this first incident, we eventually get back to our daily routine and everything is normal...

(To be continued...)



Damn fucking sleepy now... Can't type...

2 Days Streak...

At last I managed to deal with some clients... I thought I will never get a chance lolz...

I have to say it was fun and exciting... Although I did not manage to get what I want from last 2 days, today would be the day though...

Deep inside me, I felt bad for my parents... Their love for me is definitely not something that I can pay back for the rest of my life... I'm getting sentimental over here because eventually one day, I will reveal the truth, not to them, but to this blog... This is something that only my clients would know... So, regardless of what's going to happen from now on, all I need to remember is keep everything safe and that should be good enough...

Life crisis is real lolz...

Funny...

Seriously... Was supposed to meet my buddy yesterday but he message me that he was having fever and not able to make it... Whattttt??? Last Sunday flight delayed... Yesterday buddy got into fever... Today and tomorrow I got clients also de leh... So something weird gonna happen is it??? Apa ni???

The events are getting ridiculous lolz...



Tonight is the night... Hope no more weird shit happens...

Things Getting Rough!!!

My last Sunday meet up failed, and something new coming up tonight... I never expect that so many request come in suddenly... Is funny though that I've learnt a lot of weird people in this world, including myself as one of it lolz...

Tonight, after work, I have to fly quickly just to meet my first buddy... In the process of trying something new for the first time...



Nobody said it was easy~~~

Postponed...

Today's event where I am eagerly looking forward to got postponed due to my client's flight delayed... I did wasted like 2 hours and 30 minutes just to wait for him but I did message him nicely, saying that we could just postpone it... I am the type of person that does not like to waste my time like this, especially when there are nothing to do around plus I got to work tomorrow... The only thing that I really never expect to happen is, I bought dom dom for the first time, but I don't feel awkward at all LOLZ!!!

Regardless of what, I will still engage my client to explore my inner self better...



I also dunno what to say liao... As usual, it is a curse... All my first time will never go smoothly...

Major Change In My Life...

Yes... This Sunday will be the day where my real me reveals... Whatever it is, I must ensure that everything is executed safely, and I will eventually have a lot more things to think or be bothered about... Why am I so dumb...

One thing for sure, I am doing this for extra income and if everything goes smooth, it might even turn to a hidden business...

Life is indeed not meant to be simple... But if you try to do something about it, the perspective will be different...

Lastly, to the old me:



Once you have chosen this life, do not ever regret with the decision you made...

4 Years...

(4 freaking years...)

I am really grateful that my first job in Genting gave me this beautiful opportunity to visit Bimini... And this picture which was taken at Bimini 4 years ago still lingers in my memory and I don't think I will ever forget it... I really do miss Bimini for some reasons... One of it is probably because of my love for beach... This place is absolutely stunning and every single thing I have done there remains in my mind... Forever...

Thanks to Facebook's memories, one of the picture I took at Bimini pops up and it reminds me of what my life is about 4 years ago... Bimini really taught me a lot of things, such as:

1. The joy of being independent, and learnt how to be independent

2. Became more brave to drive a car because I am forced to drive a cart back in Bimini, alone

3. Initiative to improve my swimming

4. Communicate better with people (well I am an introvert to begin with)

I guess I should just wrap up for today's post :D

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~~~

Unhappy...

The beginning of this month, July is definitely not starting well for me... Everything that occurs to me seems to make me depressed and if this continues on, I will definitely break down... From my job to my personal life, nothing seems to goes well... In the end, I am trapped in the game of financial... Especially by end of this month, I have to pay a lump sum of money for my car insurance... To be frank, the only thing that can make my life easier is to have more money...

I have to stop here or else I will really fall into depression again...



Cutting off!!!