Feeling Moody Again...

Sometimes, I ask myself why would I compare my body with others when quite a number of people complimented on my current body progress... My problem is, what the other see is not exactly what they saw because it is my own body and I know how it looks way much more clearer and better than them... Whenever someone compliments me and I replied them it was just OK, I wasn't really acting humble at all to be frank... Is not like I wanted to compare myself but it just very difficult not to, especially when it makes sense...

One example is, I tend to see guys who are like in his early 20s and already have a great body, probably with 15% body fat and below... Although I started working out around late 20s, I could not help but keep thinking why I did not start it earlier??? If I did, will my body looks much better now??? Getting a good shape is definitely not an easy task as I am trying to progress now but why does it look so easy for those guys who did it in their early 20s??? Will I, at this age, able to achieve the same body goal like they are having in their early 20s??? Is it even possible or I should really hire a personal trainer for this???

Apart from my body, another thing that is really disturbing me is my penis size... I used to be very confident with it until I realise all the partners I met have so far have way much bigger size than mine... It just somehow leaves an impact to me that I may not be able to satisfy all of them... And the saddest thing is, yes I can tell that they are not satisfied at all even though they say it was OK and it was fine... I felt like things have changed a lot for me in terms of sexual fun... Whenever I tried to hook up, it just turns out not to be as good as it used to be and worst is maybe my partner were not enjoying it all...

I wish I could really turn back time so I can do things I really enjoy when I was younger... I guess starting gym in the early age wasn't a bad thing at all...

Will I be ever satisfied with what I have achieved or have until now???

Uneasy Feeling...

I've been having this uneasy feeling for quite some time and it just keeps bugging me everyday... Is hard to explain how it feels like because for a moment, it pulls me into a void and the next moment, it just goes away... It's like when the feelings hit me, I just don't feel like do or think of anything... I just want everything to feel blank and empty, being absorbed into a void... My mind is telling me not to think of anything during that period... I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing... I am not even sure if this is related with depression at this point... I tend to loses all my energy and focus when that happens... It confuses me, which also making me worry about my own mental health as well... Or perhaps, I just have too much thoughts in my mind right now that I do not want to think about it at all cause it exhaust me by thinking of it...

I can feel that this will give me further mental exhaustion if it continues on... I really need to do something about it...

Should I really seek for a psychologist???

Dealing With Depression...

Just for a quick update. It has been a month since I am trying to battle my depression and as of now, things are getting slightly better for me. I am able to enjoy my usual routine such as going back to gym more frequently and have better appetites. Since I had raised my concern to my current boss, my workload was reduced by more than half and generally I am just focusing on one thing. It was still a tough one but if compared to my other colleagues, their tasks are much more exhausting compared to mine.

I wanted to help them as much as I can but with my current condition, I knew I can't even if I volunteered. In fact, I might just make things worst. Hence, I rather be one giving bad impression instead of making the whole team look bad. I admit that I am being selfish right now but other than this, I really do not know what to do.

Honestly, all I ever wish was to have a long break before I start my new job. I just want to enjoy a long break but I don't think I will have that luxury. Even better if I get to travel for vacations. I just want to have some peace for my mind.

Can I find my peace till the day I start my new job???