1. Yesterday I went to revisit my doctor... Based on the previous test results, I was mostly negative and got my treatment for Syphilis and genital Herpes... Everything sounds and feels right but until a week ago, I notice that rashes has been developed and spreading from by body all the way to my arms and thighs... Since I am worried that it was due to Syphilis, I decided to consult the doctor again (and spent a lot of money again) to ensure that it was not caused by other or repeating STD... Frankly speaking, since I got infected with STD, any irregularities or abnormalities that occurs to me will always lead me to STD causes and I got so tired of thinking about it that way...
2. Rashes wasn't bad enough??? Since my chancre and herpes has recovered, I thought everything around my penis area would be fine... Unfortunately, recently I felt my glans and foreskin tend to be EXTREMELY sensitive compared to last time... And the worst part is, I tend to get lesion or skin tear around my frenulum VERY EASILY since then... Sometimes, out of the blue, I will feel a little ticklish on my penis foreskin for no reason when there are no lesion around that area... Although it does not have any major impact on my daily life, I felt mentally exhausted thinking that there are some other STD that causes it...
3. Since my rashes started a week ago, I felt my body is getting weaker... Most of the time, I can feel my heartbeat beating fast even when I am not active in general (such as sitting or just laying on my bed)... Especially when I going to sleep, I can feel my heartbeat tend to beat faster until I fall asleep soundly... Apart from my heartbeat, I felt very lethargic since then... Sometimes I do feel like a fever is coming but somehow my body able to cope with it... In the end, I'm not sure if I was having fever or not since I don't feel feverish at all...
4. With minor physical exhaustion now, the biggest exhaustion that I am facing is mental. Besides of my STD thoughts, I realise that I am no longer motivated or interested in my job, to be precise, the current project I am working on... Since 2 years ago where I started this project (which I had complained a lot as well), I don't think I can push myself through anymore and I really wanted to quit so badly... The worst part is, my boss will NEVER agree if I told him that I wanted to pull myself out from this project and request for a project change... Eventually, the only way now is to resign from this company... However, if I chose to quit now, I am unsure if I can secure a new job for myself as I am having a lot of commitments as well... Although I have been receiving calls for job introduction, most of it was barely my interest as well... I do not want to work on a project that I can never enjoy... Hence, I am having a serious dilemma on this decision right now... I really don't know what is right or wrong to do at this point...
Knowing that my health is somehow deteriorating, I'm not sure what will happen to me the next day... Is not just physical health, but mental health as well and the latter has the most impact on me right now... Sometimes, I just feel so lifeless in a sense that I do not want to do anything and just sleep, hoping that everything will be OK the next day...
Thinking back, if I never met him on New Year's Eve, probably my life would not be this miserable...
Regardless how much I need to suffer from now on, I still need to move on with my life... Perhaps, I will live this life without joy for the rest of my life...
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