Well Well...

All these time, I knew that I do have depression in and out frequently but it usually never last that long, probably maximum 2 weeks then it goes off... And because I was going through a few treatments since February, I knew it does impact me in some ways as well... Then comes to my job, the reason why I desperately wanted to resign is purely because I knew I can't focus on my work (this project) anymore... What surprise me yesterday was when I tried to look at the list of symptoms of depression... On average, out of 10 symptoms, currently I have 7 symptoms out of it and this is really not a good sign... To name a few symptoms I have mentioned before in my previous posts:

• Heart palpitation. My heart tend to beat very fast when I am idle or sleeping
• Fatigue. Feels tired most of the time and wanted to do nothing but just lie down
• Lack of motivation. I believe this is the main root cause of my depression

The fact that even when I told my boss that I am having this mental health problem yet he reluctant to let me resign burdens me even more therefore I have no choice but to request what I can and can't do at this point with him...

I never tell anyone about my depression apart from my boss and I felt that telling him doesn't really help in easing my depression... Perhaps I should try to consult a professional or should I give myself more time for recovery??? One thing for sure, going to the gym or swimming really helps a lot in reducing my depression...

One quick update: I finally got my 3rd injection for Syphilis... Hopefully I can be fully recovered from this treatment :')

Frankly speaking, there are still a lot of stuff in my mind right now but I will leave it to another post...

Meanwhile...

There are seriously a lot of stuff in my mind right now and I am still trying to digest and sort it out... Once this major decision that I will be making passes, I can foresee myself to start with a new fresh life... While I am still trying to cope with everything that is happening concurrently, I just wanted to share this song for no reason lol...

Ok la this song is really good actually... Been addicted to it since I heard it for the first time... Listening to this song is like a remedy for me right now...

I really could not concentrate on my work right now with all these thoughts in my mind... Help me :')

Recovery & Final Decision...

Last week before I got my treatment, I realised that my health was severely affected from Syphilis... Apart from the rashes, it actually does induce some fever which is why I tend to feel very unpleasant, in a way that I know I feel feverish but it never hit me hard... On top of that, I felt fatigue most of the time... Eventually after a test, the report came out and I was indeed re-infected with Syphilis... The bacteria count for my re-infected test was way much higher than my first test which the doctor was quite surprised as well... Of course, I took my first treatment dose last week (this time, I need to take 3 doses, once weekly) and I totally feel way much better... Besides from being less fatigue and no sign of feverish, my rashes was not so visible and the best thing is my foreskin does not have any lesions easily now... It really gave me a lot of relief at this point and I feel like a normal person now... It was both physically and mentally exhausting when dealing with STD...

Seeing myself recovering at this point is definitely a good start... I may not know what gonna happen next so I will just live on with the flow...

Now, the fact that I am recovering well helps me to make a rational decision... I have came to a conclusion which took me 2 weeks and that is to resign from my current job... I am in the midst of looking for a new job in the meantime but it should not stop me from resigning anytime I wanted... The main reason I am making this decision is for the benefit of my mental health... I realise that if you are not enjoying your job, there is no point to put so much effort on doing it well since nothing rewarding will be coming out from it with the fact that it does put a huge amount of stress and unwanted pressure from it... Of course every job has its stress but if this is not an enjoyable stress, it will never give you the satisfaction from it... Hence, I told myself that my next job should be something new, or entertaining, or some field related with my interests... I will not bound myself to a job that will keep me unhappy... And frankly speaking, my sixth sense tells me that the direction of how this project goes is not gonna be good lolz...

There are a few more reasons that made me wanted to resign so I don't think I should hesitate anymore for the benefit of myself...

Will I be able to secure a job after my resignation??? xD

Apologies...

OK before I start, I just want to say that this is another depressing post of me and I would like to apologise in advance first... Bad things has been happening to me and I have to keep facing it regardless of what happened to me as I don't really have much choice and therefore, I have decided to list it out here... I will go in point for the ease of reading:

1. Yesterday I went to revisit my doctor... Based on the previous test results, I was mostly negative and got my treatment for Syphilis and genital Herpes... Everything sounds and feels right but until a week ago, I notice that rashes has been developed and spreading from by body all the way to my arms and thighs... Since I am worried that it was due to Syphilis, I decided to consult the doctor again (and spent a lot of money again) to ensure that it was not caused by other or repeating STD... Frankly speaking, since I got infected with STD, any irregularities or abnormalities that occurs to me will always lead me to STD causes and I got so tired of thinking about it that way...

2. Rashes wasn't bad enough??? Since my chancre and herpes has recovered, I thought everything around my penis area would be fine... Unfortunately, recently I felt my glans and foreskin tend to be EXTREMELY sensitive compared to last time... And the worst part is, I tend to get lesion or skin tear around my frenulum VERY EASILY since then... Sometimes, out of the blue, I will feel a little ticklish on my penis foreskin for no reason when there are no lesion around that area... Although it does not have any major impact on my daily life, I felt mentally exhausted thinking that there are some other STD that causes it...

3. Since my rashes started a week ago, I felt my body is getting weaker... Most of the time, I can feel my heartbeat beating fast even when I am not active in general (such as sitting or just laying on my bed)... Especially when I going to sleep, I can feel my heartbeat tend to beat faster until I fall asleep soundly... Apart from my heartbeat, I felt very lethargic since then... Sometimes I do feel like a fever is coming but somehow my body able to cope with it... In the end, I'm not sure if I was having fever or not since I don't feel feverish at all...

4. With minor physical exhaustion now, the biggest exhaustion that I am facing is mental. Besides of my STD thoughts, I realise that I am no longer motivated or interested in my job, to be precise, the current project I am working on... Since 2 years ago where I started this project (which I had complained a lot as well), I don't think I can push myself through anymore and I really wanted to quit so badly... The worst part is, my boss will NEVER agree if I told him that I wanted to pull myself out from this project and request for a project change... Eventually, the only way now is to resign from this company... However, if I chose to quit now, I am unsure if I can secure a new job for myself as I am having a lot of commitments as well... Although I have been receiving calls for job introduction, most of it was barely my interest as well... I do not want to work on a project that I can never enjoy... Hence, I am having a serious dilemma on this decision right now... I really don't know what is right or wrong to do at this point...

Knowing that my health is somehow deteriorating, I'm not sure what will happen to me the next day... Is not just physical health, but mental health as well and the latter has the most impact on me right now... Sometimes, I just feel so lifeless in a sense that I do not want to do anything and just sleep, hoping that everything will be OK the next day...

Thinking back, if I never met him on New Year's Eve, probably my life would not be this miserable...

Regardless how much I need to suffer from now on, I still need to move on with my life... Perhaps, I will live this life without joy for the rest of my life...

Random Post #8563747667234

Actually there are nothing much interesting happened recently but I just feel like I need to post something... Perhaps one thing that I can talk about is I have finally rented out my room to my friend that wanted to come to KL for a long time, like 3 years ago lolz... And to add on, he was my ex lolz... A lot of my friends was quite surprised when I told them I rented my room to my ex but I don't find it awkward or weird at all...

OK that's all... Really nothing much interesting to talk about... Hopefully my next post will be a picture post xD



Nyaaaaaaaaa~~~

March 2022...

Ok just wanna say that March is literally a bad month (like my January) and this is just the beginning of it... So here are some bad updates from me for March:

1. Went to see my doctor who treated my Syphilis again. This time I consulted her for another reason as I experience some unknown lesions (mildly itchy as well) around my foreskin, close to my chancre. And based on her diagnosis, she say that I got genital Herpes and proceed to prescribe me with medicine and cream for the treatment. Did a full STD test with urine and all tested negative.

2. Since I was tested positive for Covid 3 weeks ago, felt that my entire body immune system dropped drastically. And because of that, the doctor says that my Herpes appears because of my weakened body immune system. Planning to get some multivitamin pills.

3. Notice more and more rashes appearing on my body, arms and leg. Not sure if this is the side effect of Herpes medications, some unknown diseases due to weakened body immune system or just dust mites.

Bad things aside, here are some random updates since my last post:

1. Might be planning to join some artistic gymnastic classes. Still not giving this up yet 😆. But if I failed to find one close to where I work or stay, I might find a personal trainer instead.

2. Wanted to sell off a second hand coffee table I bought before I move in to my new house.

3. Officially got myself a boyfriend during Valentines Day 😂😂😂

4. Should I go for some island holiday since Malaysia opens all their borders now??? 😁

Ok that is all I can think of for now...

FIGHT MY WAY THROUGH THIS MONTH AHHHHHHHHH!!!

The Revelation...

OK... As promised, I will be revealing the whole story of what happened to me in January that I went into a deep emotional moment and depression until the last day of it... It was the worst moment I have been through and it was really exhausting for me... For the ease of readability, I will tell the stories in point form...

1. New Year Eve's Guy - I had talked about him earlier... He came to my house one night, we slept together, had our fun, met again few times, went on an unofficial date once and then went missing for few days... The whole story is from my previous posts HAHAHAHA!!!

2. Filipino Guy - Knew this guy from Facebook as he suddenly add me as friend... From his profile, he is a hot guy and good looking... He said that he is a model in Philippines and will be visiting Singapore around early this year... We had chat for few days and I felt nice chatting with him all along... We talk about workout and diet since he is a model... Everything was doing fine until one night, he asked for video call... 

Honestly speaking, I was not really into video call that night and he kept asking me "Can I trust you?"... I mean, of course you can trust me and hence the first time we video call, he was sitting on his chair shirtless... At that time, he just turn on the camera and it was somehow muted.... I thought we have connection problem and unable to hear each other so before our second video call, he say that he is completely naked and he want something which I knew what it is... I agreed and once we on our 2nd video call, we exposed ourselves... I did not want to cum so I just stroke while looking at him... It went on for like 15 mins and he cummed from the video call... We stopped the video call and as usual, I ask him how was it and he was pouring all the compliments on me saying that I am hot and stuff... I was so glad he enjoyed it...

Little did I know, he say that he had a surprise for me and send me a video of me jerking off... He secretly recorded my act through the video call... He started to blackmail me with the video and he shared the video to few of my Facebook friend list  (he create a group and added me and a list of people with the video link)... Obviously, I was in an extreme panic and I do not know what to do since this is my first time encountering such problem... The first thing I did was begging him to remove the video link from Facebook immediately... He kept asking me to transfer an amount of money but I was too confused and I do not have as much as what he requested so I kept bargaining with him... During that time, I was totally devastated and in pure confusion with fear deep inside me... I do not know what to reach to, nor who I know of can help... I was in constant fear and suddenly, the New Year Eve's Guy dropped me a message... It was around 11pm and I never expect he was still awake... The moment I knew he was still awake, I immediately ask him for a video call and explain everything to him...

In my entire life, I can honestly say that I owed him one big favour... He help me confronted the Filipino Guy since the Filipino Guy requested to have a video call... So I invited the Filipino Guy into the video call of me with the New Year Eve's Guy and I let the New Year Eve's Guy do the talking and everything... I muted and turn off the camera and just let them talk... Thankfully, New Year Eve's Guy really did a great job in inflicting fear to the Filipino Guy and halfway of the video call, the Filipino Guy left the video call... At that point, I know New Year Eve's Guy had completely saved my life... He told me to ignore whatever the Filipino Guy asking for since he can't do any harm to me... The Filipino Guy kept bugging me and I start to block all his contacts... He used a new number to message me and I blocked all of it as well... It was a hell of a night for me... I continue chatted with New Year Eve's Guy for awhile and went to sleep...

In the next morning, I did not receive anything from the Filipino Guy... I decided to deactivate all my social medias that the Filipino Guy had added me so he could not get any more information... After that, I kept myself away from social media for 5 days until everything has settled down, then I slowly reactivate back my social medias...Since then, everything was calm and I knew that the nightmare has passed...

The lesson that I learnt here is, regardless of how nice someone treated you, never fucking ever agreed for a naked video call... Just say NO!!!

3. Missed my University mate's Wedding Dinner - Because of the incident with the New Year Eve's Guy, I totally forgotten about the wedding dinner that I should be attending the next day... I was totally in chaos at that moment and it never came across my mind and I felt extremely bad that I missed his dinner... I felt so bad and speechless that I don't even want to cover myself about it... I really hope he will forgive me...

4. STD - This was rather a surprising situation where I never expect to occur... So one day, I notice that there is an abnormal spot under my foreskin which I never seen before... I did some research on Syphilis but somehow the description was not similar to what I am having... After 2 weeks, it has developed so much that I feel it is very likely to be Syphilis... Therefore, 2 days before CNY, I decided to consult a doctor and she confirmed that it was indeed Syphilis after examining my symptom... I requested for the treatment on that day itself even before I have tested positive for Syphilis... Like few hours after my treatment, which is an injection of penicillin on my butt, at my own home, I suddenly felt unwell... In the next moment, I was bedridden with a serious coldness and high fever (the treatment does causes fever) and I had to take a Panadol to control my fever... I was on my bed for 4 to 5 hours that day while trying to force myself to sweat... After sweating, I felt a lot better and this means that the treatment is taking its effect on my body... Now, I have to abstain from sex until my symptom is completely gone and after that, all my sex have to be a protected one HAHAHAHAHA!!!

5. Chinese New Year Eve's Car Tragedy - Was fetching my brother and mom back home and at a junction, I kissed a car's butt lightly... It wasn't a bad accident but the victim's car boot have its hook dislodge, causing it not to shut tight while I have a minor damage on my front bumper and a minor cracked car plate... Obviously, it was my fault and I agreed to pay for his repair... As it was CNY the next day, most likely there are no workshops opening for the next few days... We kept in touch and got it settled eventually the week after...

So there it is... My miserable January 2022 which is by far the worst I ever had experience in my life... I am not complaining about my life since I think that what had happened gives me a valuable lesson so I will not make the same mistake again in the future... Of course, it was a hellish period but now I had gone through it, starting my new life in the month of February... So far, things are going well and great... All I can say is, cherish what I have now and enjoy my life forward... Let the past be the past...

To everyone, please stay happy and healthy always :D

Happy Chinese New Year 2022~~~

 As usual, my greetings are always late but late is better than never xD

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR~~~

This year CNY was rather quiet and dull for me... Took a week holiday for CNY week and all I ever did was gym, clean house, eat, play games and sleep... Of course, the first day of CNY we still visited our relatives but that's it... And this week, I was anticipating that my friends and ex-colleagues would come to visit my house... However, it was rather quiet as well... I don't usually initiate the invitation but if they wanna come, I would not mind at all HAHAHA!!!

Initially, I wanted to write the full story of what really happened to me on January but since now is still CNY, I do not want to spoil the mood in my blog first... It is going to be a long ass story so I will try to shortened it as much as possible, and I will post it after CNY ends...

Once again, wishing everyone a healthy and wealthy year of Tiger!!!

GONG XI FA CAIIIIII~~~