Friday, February 15, 2019

It Was My Fault...

It was an utterly disappointing day yesterday... Able to meet him but it was a total turnover event... Not sure if I should be sad or happy cause this is how the story goes:

(NOTE: SFW)

Never intended to workout but just for the sake of hoping to meet him, I went to the gym for their sauna and steam. Upon arrival, as usual, looking around in hope of noticing him. Found a locker, settle down and undress myself. Head towards the usual shower row, nobody around and I thought he will not be in today. Since it is Valentines, probably he is with someone. I took a shower and head to the sauna. For almost 15 minutes, I leave the sauna to cool down. As I walking out from the shower area, BAM!!! It's him. Joy surges on me. I approaches him and greeted him. He replied. Asked some lame questions to break the tensions. Then, things goes differently after I ask the most important question.

Usually when he sees me, he will ask for a hug. But not this time. So I asked him the same old question which he promised to. Cheerfully I poked his arm and ask, "I thought you were going to message me yesterday?". The answer he gave totally explains everything. He replied "Oh I was too busy with work and I forgotten about it. I'm really sorry and I will message you tonight". That very moment, I actually get what he meant. I was instantly crushed, but at the same time, the burden in my heart dissipates. That very answer from him tells me that I am just fallen deeply in love by myself and not him. At this point, I know it was not his fault but I do want him to know that what he did previously made me fallen for him. I can't tell him that at all. No I can't. Since he gave me that answer, feeling gets awkward. I mean if I was him, every time we meet and I was asked the same question and I keep giving the same answer just never seems to work out well. Hence, I dismissed myself so that he can continue with what he wanna do. As I walk to my locker, I realise that I haven't get the firm answer. No. I can't give up yet. I embrace myself and look for him once more. I drank some water then I get back to the shower area to find him. When we dismissed, I notice which shower row he went. So I went back to the same row he was at previously and enters the shower cubicle opposite of him. Here goes.

As I was showering, I opened a small gap on my curtain because I want to confirm that he was at the opposite. I'm a creep. I instantly turned into a creepy stalker which I will never do. I was constantly staring out the curtain. And yes, when I enter and turn on the shower, he was peeking out. Not sure he was expecting some other people or me but yea he noticed me and I knew it is him. So I stayed as long as he stays and we peek each other numerous time. He was in fear (so sorry about that lolz). His expression tells me that he just want to completely avoid me at that very moment. But I am being very persistent on getting my answer so I kept waiting and he kept staying in the shower. Since I know how it goes, I left the shower and walk away pretending like I'm giving up. But no. I went out and get myself a drink, then I get back to where he is. He was wrapped in towel and he is being very alert of me, trying to leave the shower quickly but I pops up like a freaking creepy guy. He saw me. I was calling him over to me and he was too afraid at that point by waving no to me. It went for like 10 seconds where I was persistently asking him over and he keep declining. He thought I was up to something but the fact is I want to ask him something. After that, he give up and walk over to me and I immediately says "No worries I just want to ask you something". He felt slightly calmer. Without hesitation, I get to the point straight by asking "May I know what is your purpose of getting my number?". One second of pause. He open his mouth and answer me "Just want to get to know you more". That very moment, I was kinda pissed off and fire back a question in an instant "If you want to know me more, why are you not even messaging me?". Same answer from him. Once is fine. Twice is forgivable. Thrice? No point talking anymore. Not sure if he notice it but I can tell that my face was in total disappointment. Before he tries to walk away, I hurl out a quite true but hurtful sentence to him. "Even you say that you will message me, I believe you will never do so" with a disappointed smile on my face. Assuming he heard what I said, he smile and we both walk off. To me, at that moment, I know is the end. I walked back to my locker, take my new towel, go for a shower and leave the place without even trying to search or look for him anymore. The End.

Thinking back on the incident, I think I am being a little too mean on him just because of my own misunderstanding. But it seems like a right thing for me to do because this will stop him from being appreciative of me which could cause me to misunderstand again. At least now, I can see the fine line between us both. It is OK if he don't even look at me like how he used to be. It is OK if he is not going to message me. Frankly speaking, I knew his intention now but I still like him for who he is. The fact that I may hurt him, I accept it if he no longer like me. It was my fault to begin with. I'll admit.



Dear Joey. You had screw up your love life.

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